Tanya: I'll give you the bad news first.
Jess: Okay.
Tanya: The bad news is, is that cutbacks are forcing me to lay off ten percent of our nontenured teachers.
Jess: That's terrible.
Tanya: But the bad news is, is that it seems you are one of them.
Jess: That's not how you deliver news. [Tanya puts on a sombrero] What are you doing?
Tanya: Trying to make this more fun.
Jess: No.

Tanya: I'm sorry, Jess, but on the plus side... you can have anything you want out of the lost-and-found box.
Jess: Okay. [takes a small, sparkly hat]
Tanya: Good choice.
Jess: Thank you for the opportunity. Um, it's been an honor working here. The dictionary defines "teacher" as...
Tanya: Okay, you can take another one. [takes a broken pair of glasses]

Schmidt: The cast is off, gentlemen.
Winston: Great. Congratulations, man.
Nick: Good news, man.
[Schmidt slaps the cast down on the dinner table]
Nick: Oh!
Winston: Oh!
Schmidt: Yeah, take it in.
Winston: Goodness, the smell, man.
Nick: We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Soak it all in, in all its foul glory. That is not just some disgusting, salty bundle of gauze. That is a symbol of who I was for the past two months: The broken-penis guy.

Cece: Jess, oh, my God. Are you okay? How long have you been sitting here?
Jess: I panicked, and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yo-yo or the slap bracelet, and now all I have is this stupid hat.

Jess: It's possible I'm still in shock. I'm going to go to my room and process what just happened. Thank you for your attention.
Nick: Ah, this is not good. Now she's going to cry.
Winston: I hate it when she cries.
Schmidt: Her face gets all red and puffy. Makes me sick.

Jess: Okay. Here's how this is going to go. You will not pity me. No pity eyes. Schmidt, stop looking at me like I'm a fat kid riding a bike. It's just a job. I'll get a new one.

Jess: I know you've been waiting all week for me to break down, but I'm fine. Just be normal.
Nick: I'm being normal.
Jess: You're crossing your legs.
Nick: I always do this.
Jess: You've never crossed your legs in your entire life. I didn't even know you were that flexible.
Nick: Well...
Jess: And stop being nice to me.
Nick: What, I'm not normally nice to you, Jess?
Jess: No. You're mean, like a crazy old man. "I'm Nick. I hate sunshine. When did gum get so fancy? This escalator goes too fast." Be mean.
Nick: [loudly] Look sharp, you dumb-ass. Sorry. That... that was in my head a little. Look sharp, you dumb-ass. No. Tighten up!
Jess: That's terrible.
Nick: I don't have it today. I don't know what it is.

Schmidt: Can you believe that the zoo wouldn't let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve. I'm going to be sitting in the back of the party, and Philip Seymour Hoffman's going to be like, "Look at that idiot who couldn't even get a big cat."

Jess: I'm going to be a great shot girl, Nick. I pour liquids into cups every single day. Add on top of that two years of light tap and jazz.
Schmidt: Please, I feel... I feel you overthinking this already.
Jess: I'm going to be the best shot girl in the world. Cheers!
Schmidt: Cheers.
Jess: Getting my costume.

Nick: Schmidt! Just the guy I was looking for. So the theme of the party is...
Schmidt: Is danger. That's right, but it's on a level that you couldn't possibly understand, Nick.