Cece: What are you doing? Okay, we're not close enough for this. Alright, we have spent very little time together.
Winston: You are the only person that I know in this neighborhood.
Cece: Don't you dare come in my house.

Winston: I'm Winston, good to see you again.
Shivrang: Shivrang, Hi.
Winston: You got a condom on you?
Shivrang: Oh, no, no, look that's not, We're, um... Her mother and my mother... I'm a chemical engineer.
Cece: Winston!
Winston: Look, Shivrang, man to man, I know you have a condom in your wallet, but my question to you is: Do you actually think you're gonna get lucky with a a sexy lady like that?
Shivrang: You know, I feel like I'm getting lucky by just being here.
Winston: Be honest with me.

Winston: [to Cece] Is he going to need that condom tonight?
Shivrang: Oh, God.
Cece: I'm gonna punch you in the face.
Winston: Shall I give you a minute to think about it? 'Cause I can wait.
Cece: I'm gonna wring your damn neck.
Shivrang: This is awful, like, really...
Cece: Okay, okay. Get out.
Shivrang: This is worse than last time.
Cece: Honestly, physically removing you now.

Schmidt: Oh, just focus, man, bring it in. Absorb it. [sighs] Yeah.
Jess: Did you just pee inside your body?
Schmidt: Yes.

Winston: Daisy, I'm back. Daisy. Hey, Daisy, I'm here! Where you at?! I don't have my phone, and all these buildings look alike, and I... Hey, Daisy! You know Daisy?
Man: Shut up.
Winston: No? All right, okay, cool. Now, I walked around with "yum" on my butt all day. I deserve sex ... protected sex. Daisy...!

Schmidt: Ay, ay, ay. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Jess: We're having a conversation.
Nick: Will you please get out of here?
Schmidt: Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it? Because I live here, too, and I'm gonna be here when all of this goes to crap. Next time you guys have your dirty little thoughts about each other, you better be thinking about me, too, because I ain't going nowhere.
Jess: You are literally sitting in a puddle of your own pee.

Schmidt: The apartment 4D no-nail oath right here: "We, the undersigned, agree never to nail our roommate Jessica Day unless the sex can be parlayed into a business that provides for all parties involved."
Jess: What?
Nick: I didn't read the fine print.
Schmidt: "If one of the undersigned nails said female, well, then all must nail her."
Jess: What?!
Nick: I didn't know there was fine print.
Jess: What, what?!
Nick: I didn't know there was fine...
Jess: Let me be very clear here ... I am a strong, self-sufficient woman, and I will not be nailing you, Schmidt, or Nick or Schmidt. Notice I said that twice because I don't feel it's sinking in. There will be no nails or screws or hammers in this building area generally, the whole thing.

Nick: I like how things aren't weird between us.
Jess: Right? 'Cause if somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be, like, "Look at those two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.
Nick: I sucked your face.
Jess: You did.
Nick: Who cares?
Jess: You totally sucked my face.

Jess: Let's reward ourselves, 'cause we're doing so well. Table for two, fanciest restaurant in town.
Nick: Yeah, and then we could have sex. Just joking, I was just jok ... I was just joking.
Jess: Yeah, no, I know it was a joke.

Schmidt: I just finished rinsing out the Dumpster, and while I was buffing the backside, I found this... 4D.
Winston: So, who gets the spot?
Nick: Me.
Winston: You know what? I never get anything.
Jess: I would like it. I need a win.
Schmidt: Give me the spot, or I'll kill you all!