Daisy: You forgot a condom?
Winston: You got a grocery bag?
Daisy: No.
Winston: Tin foil?
Daisy: No.
Winston: Hand sanitizer?
Daisy: No.
Winston: You got a shower cap and a twist tie?
Daisy: You didn't bring the one thing we need to have sex?
Winston: What about a baseball cap that's really small?
Daisy: Are you serious?
Winston: Um, I got quick reflexes. Mm, I'm gonna take care of this, okay?
Daisy: Okay, well, look, do not waste my time.
Winston: I will be back faster than you can say, "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already." Don't-don't say that, though.

Schmidt: Your mouth nailed her mouth.
Jess: For the record, no one nailed my mouth. That's important to me. Also, we didn't do anything wrong.
Schmidt: Do you know nothing about men?
Jess: Yeah, I know nothing about men. That's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights.
Schmidt: A woman cannot be in close quarters with three men and kiss one of them. What fuels men? Competition and sex. That's why the United Nations was formed, that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, and that is why there is a no-nail oath in apartment 4D, and deep down inside, Nick knows that I'm right.

Nick: Why you holding a box of fish sticks?
Jess: Because I'm going to go scare the feral cats away that live in my current parking spot, Nick. I'm going to throw fish sticks at them while singing "Memory," and don't you dare criticize me.