Winston: Oh. Sex window. Now, if you all will excuse me, I am about to go and park my car on her parking spot.
Jess: Ew. Ew!
Schmidt: As if there was anything more important than this.
Jess: Get out.

Schmidt: Well, you know what this means, Jessica, don't you? Nicholas Miller is now a swing vote.
Nick: What? No!
Jess: He's right, 'cause we're both voting for ourselves, so that makes you the decider.
Nick: You two are on your own. I'm out.
Jess: You can't escape destiny. She comes for us all, that relentless bitch. That's right. Destiny's a lady.
Schmidt: Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote ... Scott Caan.

Daisy: Oh, finally. What took you so long? I said 2:45, not 3:08.
Winston: I couldn't follow your directions. I'm telling you, girl, this complex is like a maze. Every building in this place looks exactly the same. And for future reference, I'm more of a left-right kind of guy, not so much a north-south kind of guy.

Schmidt: Oh. Okay. Think that I'm blind? Think I can't smell it? You think I can't hear it? The stench of filth and lust is all over this room. Smells like freaking Tijuana.
Schmidt: What... happened here?
Jess: Nothing.
Nick: Hardly anything.
Jess: Hardly anything?!
Nick: You know I'm not good at this, Jess.
Jess: Shut up. Okay, fine. We kissed. Eh. It was nothing. So? Uh, moving on.
Nick: Don't be weird about this, Schmidt.
Jess: Remember... I mean, it was like a dare, basically.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Mazel... tov to the both of you.
Nick: Well, I don't know what "Mazel tov" means, but it doesn't sound good.

Winston: Excuse me, excuse me, sorry about that. Emergency. Emergency. Sorry about that. I need a condom.
Cashier: That'll be $8.75.
Winston: All right. What the hell? What the...? Damn it, took Daisy's pants. Look, I don't have any money right now, but, you know, I have somebody waiting for me, so if you could just, you know?
Cashier: Next.
Winston: Wait. No. No, no, no, no. Uh, look, what about that box of condoms right there, man? They're practically open, right? How about you just slide one out and throw a brother a loosie?
Cashier: Next.
Man: Come on.
Winston: Hey, everybody. What's up? My name is Winston Bishop, and I am in desperate need... of a condom.
Cashier: Okay, that's it.
Winston: Now hear me out.
Cashier: Okay? Okay. Come on. Sorry, folks.

Schmidt: Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine. Look, I admit, at first I was thrown, but I'm fine. Are you seriously doing this?! I can't believe this! This is so dumb! I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm trying to process this whole thing. Nick, you're my best friend, and you should have told me. And Jess, what do you think? Mono is just some sort of joke?

Jess: Nothing has changed. Like same old, same old.
Schmidt: Except for the fact that, uh, pre-kiss Jess didn't have a parking spot. Post-kiss Jess does. Sounds... like... change.
Jess: I won the spot fair and square, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Did you, though?
Nick: I wouldn't say fair and square.
Jess: All right. Fine. I used my body. Is that what you want to hear? I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me, and I got a parking space.

Schmidt: Let me tell you something, Nicholas Miller. You know, had Winston kissed me, you're the first person I would have told!
Nick: I know you would have told me if Winston kissed you.
Schmidt: But I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere.
Nick: I can't handle this! Fine. Schmidt, congratulations. The spot is yours.
Schmidt: Okay. Really.
Nick: It's him.
Jess: What?! Nick Miller, you weakling.
Nick: I can't have people thinking my decision wasn't above board. This city can't have another scandal!

Schmidt: Aw, damn it! You middled me again?! I'm not to be middled; It's in my contract.

Nick: Aah! Hey, five bucks if you help me fold this nicely. I'm not going above six, so don't negotiate with me.