‘Parents’
Season 2, Episode 8 - Aired November 20, 2012
Jess's divorced parents, Joan (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Bob (Rob Reiner), come to town for Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, Schmidt battles his cousin, Big Schmidt (Rob Riggle), for the Schmidt name.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: A classic julienne.
Big Schmidt: Marine Corps Cook of the Year 2003. [grunts] And I can do the same thing to a man's arm.
Schmidt: Yeah, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's the sound of round two.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Look at that plating. It's like Picasso.
Big Schmidt: It's nice squeeze bottle work there, Bobby Flay.
Schmidt: He is still relevant.
Big Schmidt: Where? Phoenix?
Quote from Cece
Big Schmidt: Answer me a question. Which one of these platings is more masculine?
Cece: Look, do you guys want to know what the ultimate test is? Being secure in your masculinity.
Schmidt: How do we prove that?
Big Schmidt: I'm super secure.
Cece: You kiss a man.
Big Schmidt: [scoffs] Yeah.
Cece: If you want to be the one true Schmidt. I mean...
Schmidt: No. We don't.
Big Schmidt: I'll kiss a man.
Schmidt: I'll kiss a man. Yeah, I'll kiss a man.
Cece: Winston. Yeah, he'd do.
Schmidt: Winston?
Winston: I could go for some stuffing right now. Am I right? Yeah, love me some stuffing.
Quote from Schmidt
Jess: I'm gonna make a toast. Parent Trap's just a movie. And real relationships are not like that. They're more complicated than that. And they're not even real twins.
Big Schmidt: Twins! Yes! I'm thankful for twins. They're like sisters, but they do it, and they like to have sex.
Jess: Schmidts.
Big Schmidt: What?!
Schmidt: What?
Jess: In conclusion... I want to say what I'm thankful for. Family. They said... it couldn't be done. They said, "You're crazy, Jess." I am so thankful today that I proved them wrong.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Congratulations, guys. We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom.
Joan Day: No, no, no, no, no.
Nick: We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom.
Jess: It was the greatest day of my entire life.
Nick: Greatest day of mine.
Jess: There was so much love there.
Nick: And sex. Sex energy, too, Jess.
Jess: And se-sex.
Nick: You lit this place on fire, you two animals.
Quote from Schmidt
Joan Day: It was just a kiss.
Jess: It was a great kiss.
Joan Day: It was a hookup. It mean nothing.
Schmidt: Listen, if Joanie's up for grabs, I volunteer.
Big Schmidt: I volunteer, too.
Schmidt: I volunteered first.
Big Schmidt: Don't even matter.
Schmidt: You can't volunteer right after...
Big Schmidt: I'm in the game now.
Quote from Bob Day
Joan Day: I won't tell her if you don't.
Bob Day: Tell her about what? [Joan jumps into his arms]
Quote from Schmidt
Big Schmidt: We doing this or not?
Schmidt: I'm going in.
Winston: Mmm. Mmm.
Schmidt: What's up, bro?
Winston: What's up?
Schmidt: No. Face smells like a dude's face. Not for me.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Okay, well, then it's off. Game over.
Big Schmidt: No. No way. Winston?
Winston: Hmm?
Big Schmidt: All day! [kisses Winston]
Winston: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Big Schmidt: I did it. And I'm the one true Schmidt!
Schmidt: You got it, man. You can be Schmidt. I'm...
Winston: You should not do that on Thanksgiving.
Big Schmidt: I kissed a dude! Oh, I miss Krista. You know, she had a little mustache, too?
Schmidt: I know she did. You okay... Schmidt?
Big Schmidt: Yes... I am... Schmidt.