‘Par 5’
Season 4, Episode 20 - Aired April 7, 2015
Jess attends a charity golf event with Fawn Moscato to get computers for her school. Meanwhile, Winston meets a woman and lies about his job.
Quote from Coach
Winston: I love you, but you're white, I'm black. I understand where she's coming from. When I was a kid, we used to run from the police. Even if we did nothing wrong, it was just out of habit.
Nick: Why haven't you ever told me?
Coach: 'Cause you'll never get it.
Nick: How long have you been standing there?
Coach: Uh, right around, "Your mama got a mouth on the back of her neck, and the bitch chew like this."
Winston: Now, that's Eddie!
Nick: I don't see the difference.
Coach: [laughs] Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
Winston: He's doing the laugh!
Nick: That's what I was doing. [imitating Eddie Murphy's laugh]
Winston: Stop, Nick.
Nick: I honestly don't see the difference.
Quote from Nick
Nick: So I say to her, "Water? I barely even know you."
Coach: Stop talking to me like we're in the middle of a conversation. We just sat down.
Nick: All right.
Coach: I hate when you do that.
Nick: Okay.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: What the hell?
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Why am I sparkly?
Cece: Sparkly? You bought the bronzer with glitter in it.
Schmidt: Cece, please, you gotta help me, Ce... Fawn's gonna kill me!
Cece: Okay, just don't get too expressive. You'll crease!
Schmidt: So stupid! I feel like I'm trying to get into an 18-and-under club in Tucson!
Quote from Jess
Jess: Nice day.
Fawn Moscato: Beautiful.
Jess: What happened to the top of my hat? You take it? [laughs] A little, uh... little visor humor. Give me back my hat! I'm kidding. [chuckles] I'm just joshing. Just Joshua, Joshua, joshing... Do you ladies want to join my network?
Quote from Cece
Schmidt: You know, Fawn is teaching me how to be the most effective and successful man and lover I possibly can be.
Cece: Really? I thought you were fine before.
Schmidt: When you two were together? Which time? The... the first time or the third time? Because... 'cause you two were very off-and-on. In a... in a very confusing way.
Cece: [laughs] I've had sex with him so many times.
Fawn Moscato: We have a fun thing together, don't we?
Cece: Super fun, yeah. I really enjoy it.
Fawn Moscato: What is her... what is it, Cecil? What is your name?
Cece: You'll learn it. Don't worry.
Quote from Coach
Jess: [groans] Work sucked, my friends.
Coach: [nasally voice] Hear ye, hear ye.
Winston: Milady.
Jess: I dub you Sir Winston of the Roll of Egg.
Coach: [nasally] Ah, yes. Yes.
Nick: Who are you in this story?
Coach: I'm the jester.
Fawn Moscato: [to Schmidt] I'm not gonna eat here anymore.
Quote from Jess
Jess: You'd think that the school board would want to give kids computers, but no, they just want to get reelected so they can keep dressing like Realtors from the 1980s.
Fawn Moscato: Solid municipal burn, Jessica.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Martha Yowtz?
Fawn Moscato: Yeah.
Jess: The lioness of Los Angeles education?
Fawn Moscato: Yes.
Jess: The straw that stirs the school board's drink?
Fawn Moscato: That's right.
Jess: That is a woman I'd like to get to know. Is there any way I could come with you to this event?
Fawn Moscato: Ah, you know, it's really a networking thing.
Jess: Well, that's perfect, 'cause I'd love to network her.
Schmidt: With her. It's "with..." You network with her.
Fawn Moscato: Yeah, it's "network with her," and you don't really strike me as the "networking" type. You're more of a "follow a butterfly around for a day" kind of gal.
Jess: Oh, sister, I'm a middle-school vice principal. You think I got this job without knowing how to network?
Fawn Moscato: Most likely. Yes.
Jess: I got an office with a door, bub. Pencil me in. I'll yak with Yowtz.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Do you still need me for the photo op?
Fawn Moscato: I will need you there, actually. I'm trying to become more accessible on social media. Speaking of which, is there some way you can make your skin look less white in photos? People are saying that you're haunting me.
Schmidt: I can do that. Absolutely. 100%. Let me just make a note.
Fawn Moscato: Wonderful.
Quote from Jess
Fawn Moscato: And, Jess, the event tomorrow is at a golf course. Do you golf?
Jess: Does a bear eat with his hands? [chuckles]
Fawn Moscato: I don't know. [long pause]
Jess: I'll be there.
Fawn Moscato: Great.