May: [muffled] We've only been dating for a few months. I just thought that... that breaking up was, like, the smart thing to do, you know?
Jess: I know you're upset, sweetie, but I... I can't understand anything you're saying with the crackers. Do you love him?
May: I think I do.
Jess: Well, then maybe moving to New York doesn't mean you have to break up.
May: [muffled] So you think that I should... that I should ask Coach to move with me?
Jess: Okay, how about we put down the crackers?

Cece: I think she wants Coach to move to New York with her.
Jess: Oh! Yes, yes! I mean...
May: Yeah? You-You... You think that he would say yeah?
Jess: Yeah. Definitely. He's crazy about you. He had a meltdown today in health class. Now, the kids did learn that sex is emotionally complicated, so it was a good class, but trust me...

Winston: Ooh, yeah, Coach! Who you think he's gonna hook up with?
Nick: It's a tough Monday crowd. It... It's nearly impossible to say, but I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit and, uh, the leopard print leggings. She looks smart to me.
Winston: No way. No way. My money's on the one with the wedding ring whose husband is clearly over there in the corner spying on her.
Nick: Yeah, he's not happy about that. Oh, oh, ooh! Dora the Explorer just entered the scene! [laughs]
Coach: [to her] You're tiny. I like it.
Nick: There she g... Oh! For the kiss! Oh! The winner. The winner.

Jess: Coach, um, I wanted to apologize.
Nick: Not now, honey.
Winston: He needs some time, honey.
Jess: I brought over a beer.
Nick: We'll take that beer.
Winston: Give us that beer, honey.

Fawn Moscato: Hey, don't smile. Don't smile. Look sadder that you're buying underpants.
Schmidt: Underpants make you very, very sad. Oh, I hate being here so much. These underpants make me so uncomfortable.
Fawn Moscato: That's perfect. There's that fat boy improv training. Now, next, I'm going to ask for something with a little more coverage; you're gonna flip out, say you can't take it anymore, and leave the store. Then tomorrow, we enter you into some kind of rehab facility. When you get out, we'll announce that we're getting married.
Schmidt: Married? What? I don't...
Fawn Moscato: Shh. Yes. Shh. Yes, yes. Okay. So what I say is we build on this momentum, okay? And we get married. I know it's not the most romantic idea in the world, but we'd be happy. And then, we play our cards right, you and I are living in the mayor's mansion by 2020.
Schmidt: Fawn. Fawn. No.
Fawn Moscato: No? Oh, n-no to some of it?
Schmidt: No to all of it. We can't get married. I barely even know you.
Fawn Moscato: You... You know me.
Schmidt: The real you, Fawn.
Fawn Moscato: This is the real me. I'm a politician, not in The Vagina Monologues.

Jess: I just want to say something.
Coach: No.
Jess: And then I'll leave. Look, I'll never get involved in your personal life ever again. Okay? Because I have no idea what I'm talking about. And I know that now. You could just... you could just troll for basic bitches at the juice bar, and I will say, mm, nothing. Okay? So, look, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
Coach: I do love her. I'm crazy about her.
Jess: Yes! I was right! [laughs] Love Doctor! I'm back.

Nick: Really? I thought it was just a regular breakup. But in all fairness, I hadn't thought about it that hard.
Coach: I mean, what do I do, man? You know, it's like she's going to New York.
Nick: Yup.
Coach: I can't go to New York with her. That's crazy. You know? I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left. It's a rule of mine. Plus, I'd have to leave you guys. Can't leave you guys, I mean, I finally have a home.

Nick: All right, flash forward to the future. 40, 50 years. You're married. Kids, grandkids. I'm long dead.
Coach: Naturally.
Jess: Of course.
Nick: And you look over to the woman sitting next to you. And she's gray. She's old.
Coach: She has that, like, grandma smell.
Nick: You have a grandpa smell, but you got...
Coach: Grandmas always smell like... like right when you open a cupboard.
Nick:Yeah, she has that smell, but... you love her. Be honest with yourself. Is that fat old lady sitting beside you...
Coach: Honestly, right now, in my head, I'm just picturing, like, a beanbag chair with a wig on it.
Nick: Okay. We have gone too much into the description.
Coach: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nick: Is that May?
Coach: I think so.
Nick: Well, that's big. Let's go get her.

Coach: In 40 years, when we're old and... a mess of fat, loose skin hanging, I have boobs, and you've got hair on your face... Holding my rock sack while I'm sitting on the toilet so it doesn't fall in the water.
May: What are you saying?
Coach: I'm saying, as you get older, your testicles lengthen. [scoffs] No, what I'm saying is I love you.
May: Oh.
Coach: And that I would be a fool if I let you leave to New York without even fighting for us.
May: Ernie... I love you, too. But I... I can't stay here.
Coach: I don't want you to stay here. Um... look, I know we haven't been dating that long, and, um, this might seem crazy, but I was won...
May: Will you move to New York with me?
Coach: Yes! That! That's what I...
May: Yes?!
Coach: Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah.

Nick: Well, this is all you, Jess. Come on. This is all you. I mean it. If Coach were hanging out with me, we'd be beating up a priest right now.
Jess: You had a lot to do with this, too. No, really. All that stuff about "Who do you see yourself next to?" That's-that's really good. Do you do that? Who-who do you see yourself next to?
Nick: Winston mostly.
Jess: Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually. [both laugh] I just see a really old Winston. [chuckles] Eating handfuls of birdseed out of the bag. He gets really into birds.