Schmidt: What are you reading? What is... One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself?
Cece: It's really inspiring. I actually want to be the woman in this book.
Schmidt: "Finding inner strength in a time of crises." Cece, are you in crises?
Cece: I'm fine. Cece's fine.

Cece: How are you? How's Fawn holding up?
Schmidt: If you must know, my paramour Councilwoman Fawn Moscato has been so strong since the incident. You know, reporters are calling it Panty-Gate. There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom all over the Internet. Sid, put the phone away. You picked it up right when I said "naked lady-bottom." Please.

Fawn Moscato: Listen, thanks for standing next to me up there, Ponyboy. I hope this show of remorse will keep these reporters off my back.
Schmidt: Oh, I know it will. And then, you know what, once this is over, maybe we get out of here for a little bit. Lay low, Oh. rent a cabin in the woods, read some poetry, have horizontal sex.
Fawn Moscato: Okay, two of those three things sound like fun.

Fawn Moscato: Good afternoon. Um, before I answer any of your questions, my partner would like to read a statement. Honey.
Schmidt: I am a sick man. On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato was caught not wearing underpants because I... I asked her not to wear them. Why? Because it turns me on. What I did was wrong. I'm so sorry, Fawn. I'm sorry, Los Angeles. And I'm sorry to the man upstairs, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Jess: Trust me, I am right about this, just like I was right about them fighting. I'm on, like, a streak here. I might just be... an expert in love. Like a... you know, like a love doctor, if you will.
Nick: I will not. You are the least qualified person to call themselves a doctor of love. Exhibit "A": you dated me. I rest my case.
Winston: [chuckles] Court is adjourned.
Nick: Guilty as charged. [both laugh] Put... I would stop that.
Winston: Case... rested.

Coach: Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor? May's gonna be recording later. She's gonna stop by and pick up her rubber circle.
Jess: May has a diaphragm?
Coach: No, it's the thing that you put on the floor to stabilize the cello.
Winston: Condom.
Nick: No.
Coach: No, it's the thing you put on the floor to make sure the cello stays put.
Nick: Cello stabilizer.
Winston: Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer.

Schmidt: What was that speech?
Fawn Moscato: I'm sorry, okay? I told you to read the statement beforehand, and then you told me that terrifying story about doing improv at a fat person's camp.
Schmidt: I didn't know that the statement was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate. And by the way, for your information, the Belly Laughs did not "do" improv. We reinvented it.

Schmidt: Well, now Ponyboy is feeling very conflicted.
Fawn Moscato: Just one last photo op. You and I having a lovely evening. Show the press everything's back to normal. And then I promise it'll just all be about us.
Schmidt: Could we do horizontal sex?
Fawn Moscato: Yes.
Schmidt: With foreplay? It's a deal-b... It's a deal-breaker.
Fawn Moscato: Uh... Yeah.
Schmidt: It's a deal-breaker.
Fawn Moscato: Okay. Fine, yes, fine, yes.

Jess: Cece, did they raise your tuition again? Why are you so hungry?
Cece: I've decided I'm going to climb Mount Shasta.
Jess: By yourself?
Cece: I'm leaving for three weeks. I want to be like the woman in the book; I want to go on a climbing trip and find myself.
Jess: Okay, um... Ceec, are you sure you're ready for a climbing trip?
Cece: Jess, I just... I can't sit here and watch Schmidt with Fawn. And I don't think they're breaking up any time soon, so...
Jess: Cece, they're never gonna last. He doesn't really love her.
Cece: Did he tell you that?
Jess: No, but... as a doctor of love, I sense these things. A love doctor just knows.

May: I... I'm a mess.
Jess: I know!
May: [crying]
Jess: [whispers:] The doctor is in.
May: Wait, what?
Jess: Nothing. Cry it out.