Jess: Look, Nick, you're right. I'm a nerd. I've never fit in. If I met you in high school, you never would have even noticed me.
Nick: That's just because I didn't go to class. I wouldn't have seen you.

Jess: I know it's stupid, but I'm doing it.
Nick: I'm not letting you go.
Jess: Oh, you're not letting me?
Nick: No.
Jess: If for some reason I don't come back tonight, I'll be at the Appleton Suites under the name Suzuki Sinclair. Ask for Charles.

Schmidt: Oh, good Lord.
Elizabeth: What's wrong?
Schmidt: Nothing. You know what? Let me show you the stairwell where they got the idea for the escalator.

Schmidt: Shorty! My love. My only love.
Cece: I'm sorry. I just I quit that job, and I had to see you.
Schmidt: How emotional. Let's go talk about it in private in a perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office.

Beth: So...
Schmidt: Oh, God, what?
Beth: They're both here. The gas has been spilled. All we need is a match.
Schmidt: What, are you narrating a book?
Beth: [imitates explosion]

Winston: Here it comes. The long nap. Oh, wow. Tell you what, man, we both need to just cool off and have a drink. You smoke? I'm just kidding. But, man, that'd be cute if you did. What is wrong with me? It... Oh, Furguson.

Schmidt: So, listen, I've been dreaming about this fantasy, and I think this party might be the perfect place to try it out.
Elizabeth: Okay, but I can't get wet.
Schmidt: No water. So, listen, you and I are gonna be sexy strangers.
Elizabeth: Yeah?
Schmidt: Now, your stranger is the early-to-bed type, and your job has you on Hong Kong time. But the most important thing is, you're the first person to leave the party.
Elizabeth: Whew. I like. Wait, is that Cece?
Schmidt: Is that who? Huh? No. Cece. No.
Elizabeth: No, Schmidt, that's definitely Cece.
Schmidt: Sorry, in between modeling jobs, she does catering. You mind if I go over there and say hello? I think it's only right.

Schmidt: Hey.
Elizabeth: Hey, I know you told me to stay in the office, but Beth insisted that I-
Schmidt: Stay away from that woman. She is patient zero in this office for spreading HPV. Here. Put on this apron.
Cece: No, why-why would I do that? That's crazy.
Schmidt: My boss was asking, so I told her you were a caterer.

Elizabeth: Schmidt. I'm right here.
Schmidt: Oh. Do I know you?
Elizabeth: Right. The fantasy. [yawns] Boy, I got to go. I have a 5:00 a. m. conference call with... the Asians. Are you leaving soon, stranger?
Schmidt: You mean "Corporal"? And, no, I'm gonna stick around and throw down one more beer.
Elizabeth: Sweet.

Schmidt: Whew, great news. My boss is in her office completely passed out. We finally have the night to ourselves.
Cece: Thank God. It's getting a little weird here, right? Dressed up like this. Is that Elizabeth?
Schmidt: Okay, look, Cece, I-I got to tell you something.
Cece: Does Elizabeth work here?
Schmidt: Yes.
Elizabeth: Hey.
Cece: We were just talking about you.
Elizabeth: The food was good.
Cece: Yeah. I was thinking of taking some home.
Elizabeth: You deserve it. Okay, well, I'm heading off. The Asian markets wait for no one. [walks away]
Cece: Wow. She was ice cold to you. [laughs] I'm gonna go get a drink. What a night.