Schmidt: With the promotion, uh, I got a new office, so I don't have to look at Bethany's mismanaged eyebrows all day. Do you like it? It's a perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office from Mad Men, and you're my sexy Peggy.
Beth: Good God, at least shut the door.
Schmidt: My tiny credenza is in the way.

Winston: Hey, you guys know anything about cats? Yeah, I'm trying to score some points with Daisy, so I promised to watch her cat tonight.
Schmidt: They carry disease, they're obsessed with my nipples, and they are unwelcome in this loft.
Cece: Did you just say that cats are obsessed with your nipples?
Schmidt: I've told you this story before.
[flashback to a shirtless Schmidt sleeping in a barn with a cat licking his nipple]
Winston: I think I would have remembered that story.
Schmidt: No cats.

Nick: Do you know a place I can get cheap school supplies? I only have $15 and a halfie. $15 and a halfie.
Schmidt: A halfie?
Nick: Yeah, it's a half. It got ripped, so it's a half.
Schmidt: No one's gonna accept that as currency.