[flashback to Nick playing hacky sack at college:]
Nick: [grunting] Stall.
Crowd: Nick! Nick! Nick!
[A young woman walks up and embraces Nick]
[present:]
Nick: The Miller Sack Pack.
Jess: Miller Sack Pack?
Nick: They made shirts. You know what? I'm not explaining my coolness to you. I was cool.

Jess: Schools are for fools!
Nick: They are.
Jess: Sometimes firemen are women!
Nick: Sometimes! Sometimes!

Nick: Hey, there she is. Ol' Toilet Pants, the girl who bet herself six dollars she could dance in a toilet bowl.
[flashback:]
Jess: [sings] Oh, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah What's going on?
[present:]
Jess: I'm cool. You are cool, but you still got to go to work, 'cause you're running late, so up and at 'em.

Nick: Okay, remember when I was so hungover, I almost missed my flight for Christmas?
Winston: Ah, count it down.
Nick: Three, two, one.
Guys: [sing] I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day Spread my wings and fly away I believe I can soar
Jess: I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.

Schmidt: What did you do to her?
Nick: I just told her that I thought drinking would make her cool.
Schmidt: What are you, a 14-year-old hockey player? You're supposed to protect her, not encourage her.
Nick: Okay, I am protecting her. She's my old lady now.
Schmidt: By turning her into you?

Winston: Nick, I need your help, okay? Now, I am no plumber, but I'm 99% sure that there was a guy in her bathroom.
Nick: So, she agreed to be exclusive with you while the guy she is obviously sleeping with was washing his size 15 ding-dong in the shower. And now you're taking care of her cat.
Winston: Those are the bullet points, yes.
Nick: You know what you got to do to get yourself out of this situation. Break up with Daisy!
Winston: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're making some very good points. You know, break up with Daisy. That's an option. I was thinking, like, I'll kill her cat.
Nick: Winston.
Winston: Yeah, I'm-I'm gonna kill her cat first.
Nick: Hey.
Winston: [to the cat] I'm gonna kill you.

Molly: You're one of us now. You never have to drink out of a paper cup again.
Jess: Fun mugs. This one makes me look like I have a... mustache.
All: Mustache.

Jess: Where's that big flashlight you can hit people with? Also, do we have any meat pieces that might distract a dog?

Jess: We're just breaking into Foster's backyard, and we are gonna put our butts in his Jacuzzi.
Nick: You're gonna put your butts in his Jacuzzi?
Jess: Isn't it awesome?
Nick: Uh, no, it's not awesome. It's a crime. It's a very stupid crime, but it's a crime.
Jess: Hey, do you have any makeup or costumes that might make someone look like a bush?
Nick: You are about to commit a felony.
Jess: Oh, my God, Nick! You said roll with it!
Nick: You're not the kind of person who could break into the principal's house and get away with it. You're the kind of person who gets caught, and it ends up on the Internet in a funny way.

Jess: My God! That is the cutest cat!
Winston: Uh, don't get attached.
Nick: Okay, both of you, knock it off! Winston!