Director: All right, bring in the bees!
Cece: Oh, wait. The bees are real, too? Oh, hell no!

Schmidt: So I've been thinking a lot about it, and I'd really like to start calling you "Shorty" in public. By the way, my office is throwing a party tomorrow, and I would really like for you to be there.
Cece: Well, I have a photo shoot, but I think I could come after that.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, well, that sounds good.
Cece: Who's that?
Schmidt: Hmm? It's my doctor. Uh, D-Dr. Cover. Doc-Doctor Wyland Cover. He's my oncologist. [off Cece's concerned look] He's an oncologist.

Jess: Can I ask you a question?
Nick: Absolutely, we having this thing right now?
Jess: Do I look okay?
Nick: Do you look okay?
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: Hell yeah! I want to put it on you.
Jess: On? Put it on me?
Nick: Yeah, on I stand by that. I'd like to put it on you.

Winston: Hey, either of you guys know anything about cats?
Jess: Oh, my God, Schmidt has the greatest cat story!
Nick: Ugh, I was there it's disgusting.
Winston: You shut your damn mouth, Jess.
Jess: Thought it was cute...
Schmidt: Oh, grow up! Nothing came out.

Schmidt: You know what? I've never actually seen you this happy. Who are you?
Nick: I don't know, it's weird.
Schmidt: I've never seen you smile. Ever. This is the first time. It's not bad. I mean, it's not great.
Nick: Yeah, I agree. Somewhere right in the middle.

Nick: Hey! Trust me. What's up, teachers? Who wants free school supplies?
Jess: What are you doing here?
Nick: Point to the ones who don't like you-
Jess: I can handle this myself.
Nick: I'm fixing it for you. And then she- Yeah. Say, listen, why don't you guys come to my bar later for free drinks. Teachers don't pay.
Dan: We'll think about it.
Nick: Okay, they'll think about it.

Jess: Oh, my God. That was genius.
Nick: It's a no-brainer.
Jess: Whoa, that's an amazing move, sex partner.
Nick: Sex part...

Schmidt: How how dare you interfere with my personal life, you crone. I don't I don't kick up a fuss when you massage yourself with your yoga ball.
Bob Day: Oh, I'm sorry, were you gonna invite Cece?
Schmidt: Beth, please. I am in love with both of these women. Do I feel bad about lying to them? Yes. I'm a Sagittarius.
Bob Day: Congrats on your new office. Gina gave birth on that carpet.
Schmidt: [slams door half way] Consider this closed.

Winston: Right, so, yeah, um Um, so, Daisy, what I was really trying to say is, uh Is your shower running?
Daisy: Yeah, I was just about to take a shower. What's going on?
Winston: Okay. Um, Daisy, I think what we have is real, and, uh, I want us to be exclusive just you and me in the rear.
Daisy: Yeah, that sounds great.
Winston: Awesome, um... [picks up a sneaker]
Daisy: Sorry, that's mine. So, Furguson gets his wet food in the morning, dry food at night. [water stops]
Winston: Somebody in there?
Daisy: No. [toilet flushes] No treats after midnight.

Nick: Okay, I just realized what's happening. It's high school over there, and they're the cool kids, and you're the nerd.
Jess: I was never a nerd.
[flashback:]
Jess: [sings] On western wings the fowls doth fly On briny swells the fishes doth swim
[present:]
Jess: Oh, like you were so cool.