Nick: Hey, gang, why is the water so cold?
Jess: Schmidt turned off the hot water, because it's not enough that I have to go on an interview with the red devil in my belly, I also have to go unshowered.
Nick: So let me get this straight, there's no hot water in the whole house?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: Seems strange.
Schmidt: Maybe a cold shower will wake you up to some harsh financial realities, Jessica Day.
Jess: You don't control my heat, Theodore P. Gasbag.

Schmidt: What is this thing?
Emma: You're gonna have to sign it before anything can happen between us.
Schmidt: "Party A absolves Party B of any psychological trauma, whether temporary, permanent, future or imagined."
Emma: After we do what we do, you're gonna want to talk. I can't allow that. The less risk I incur, the more I can focus on creating a viable sexual experience for both of us. You're gonna want to sign it.
Schmidt: "Possible exposure to lead paint." Do I have a latex allergy?
Emma: That's very important.
Schmidt: "Guaranteed mercury poisoning"?
Emma: Mm.
Schmidt: Is this real?
Emma: You have till week's end to sign it.

Marion: So why do you want to teach adults?
Jess: I think it's really inspiring that these people have chosen to go back to school, you know, that they want to read To Kill A Mockingbird, that they want...
Marion: Oh! I named my dog Boo after...
Jess: After Boo Radley?
Marion: Exactly.
Jess: That's amazing. Oh, my God.
Marion: She was a puppy.
Jess: She's so cute.
Marion: I know. Such a cutie.
Jess: [sniffles] This cup is so tiny. So cute. Sorry, how did she fit in the cup? I just don't understand. Just physically, how did she get so small? I'm sorry, um... I'm sorry, I got this... I don't know what's wrong. So weird. Never happens to me. She's really cute.
Marion: Yes, she was.
Jess: Did she die?
Marion: It's fine. It's been two years.
Jess: [sputters] [sobs] Puppy... in a... cup. [sobs] So... we're both dog people, right?

Nick: Okay. What is this place? What are you...? What would you like? What does this mean? Let's not do this. Let's not take off our clothes. Let's go back to the park where it was good... What do I know? We're taking our pants off? Okay. Keep those underwear on, am I right? Yeah. Stay on. Underwear good. [cut] Why are you cradling me like a baby, friend? This is not how guys of my generation hang out. This is a moment that got away from me, man. Oh, that's my butt. This is intimate. [sighs] How did you know? [sighs]
Tran: You are a huge baby.
Nick: Yeah, I am. I am a huge baby.

Jess: What are you trying to do?! Kill me?!
Nick: It worked for me. I was trying to help you. I've been watching you doubt yourself for months.
Jess: I'm not doubting myself.
Nick: You're doubting yourself, Jess.
Jess: No, Nick, it's PMS.
Nick: It's not PMS. You got knocked down. It's time to get back up. And get up long enough for one of these bozos to hire you. I believe in you. So does that guy. [Tran waves]
Jess: Hey.
Nick: Think you can do that? And if you don't, I'm gonna water massage you again. Can you do that?
Jess: Yes.
Nick: Can you do that?
Jess: Yes!

Nick: Please don't do that, sir. Please. I would love to sit by myself right now. There's something real creepy about you, pal. You want to get weird? Let's get weird. You got a nice face. [cut] Anger problem? Living with them? Are you kidding me? [cut] It's frustrating. It's like... just get a job. [cut] I like your hat. I like how it's not a team or a logo, it's just blue. [cut] Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers? Scales? Wow, you weirdo. [cut] You want to see me jump really high? Ha! Ah ha! [cut] I'm afraid of dying, man [cut] Who am I?! [cut] The enemy is en-e-my. The enemy is the inner me. [cut] Can you understand a word I'm saying? You just nod at everything. [cut] I need to change. And you've showed me that. I have an anger problem. Thank you. Can I get a hug?

Nick: Okay! Here is my share... to the penny. Yeah! I'm not the poorest!
Schmidt: Second poorest. Now you're the poorest. That's gotta be rock bottom.
Jess: Yeah, I got it.

Schmidt: You know what? I'm shutting off the gas until you can get me the money.
Nick: What?
Winston: What are you talking about?
Jess: Don't scapegoat me.
Nick: I just gave you my money.
Schmidt: That's called tough love, all right? No more handouts.

Robby: Schmidt, you're such a nice guy.
Schmidt: Thank you.
Robby: What you deserve is a girl who respects you. You know? A nice girl.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm. I'm not into the nice thing, Robby. Doesn't do it for me.
Robby: Well, that's what I thought, too. Yeah. You know, until I found, uh... this one right here.
Schmidt: You mean Cece?
Cece: You think that I'm... nice?
Robby: No. I think you're the nicest. Mm.
Cece: Hmm.
Schmidt: Robby!

Schmidt: [on the phone] Yes, the man just left. And he turned off the gas. Yeah, I'm refusing to pay my gas bill as a matter of principle. You'd like me to take the survey? Of course I'll take the survey.