Jess: Who's the jack-faced butthole who turned off the hot water?!
Winston: Witch! What have you done to my body?
Jess: Shut up, you! Why is there no hot water?!
Schmidt: Oh, I'm sorry, Jess. If you don't pay, you don't play. You also don't shower.
Jess: Are you serious?
Schmidt: [on the phone] Thank you, Denise.

Schmidt: Hey, Winston, tell him what you have.
Winston: Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up.
Nick: Sympathy PMS? What's that?
Jess: No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
Nick: You're telling me you're having a pre-menstrual something right now?
Winston: Yes.
Nick: Okay.
Schmidt: It's like a character in a Judy Blume novel.
Jess: No! You can't have my menzies.
Schmidt: He's got her menzies.

Nick: This is good! We got a lot of feelings going around. A lot of anger.
Jess: And you. You... You're suddenly calm?
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: Really? It feels like a fat man's sitting on my uterus.
Winston: I hear that.
Nick: [screams] Gonna go to the store! Does anybody want anything?!

Schmidt: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Emma: Shut the door. [Schmidt catches the shoe she throws] Whoa. Quick reflexes. Good. I am going to devour you. You see that contract?
Schmidt: Oh, the thick one? With all those tabbies? [knocks it to the floor] Do me on it.
Emma: Pick that up.
Schmidt: Did you just ask me to pick it up to see me bend over?
Emma: No.
Schmidt: [bends over] Oh, wait, I'm doing it.
Emma: Stand up.

Cece: Nobody thinks I'm a nice girl, okay? I'm the mistake.
Schmidt: Ah, Robby. Midwestern heart, Midwestern body.
Cece: I'm the one who messes things up.
Schmidt: I agree with you.
Cece: I feel like he doesn't even know me.
Schmidt: You're getting your smell all over the comforter.
Cece: Oh, my God.
Schmidt: Took me months to get rid of that heavenly curry smell.
Cece: What happens when he realizes he was wrong about me the entire time? He's just gonna run away.
Schmidt: I would, I would never run away from you. But if I did, I would run way faster than Robby. 'Cause he's slow. And I'm fast.

Cece: No. I can't do this to Robby.
Schmidt: But you're a bad person. We discussed that. You're a bad person, I'm a bad person.
Cece: Yep.
Schmidt: We can totally do this. No qualms.
Cece: I have a qualm. I have a qualm.
Schmidt: You don't have a qualm. We sold our qualms, and we used the profits to buy perfect bodies.
Cece: Robby is right. I'm nice.
Schmidt: I'm not nice, all right? And I like Robby, but that is doing nothing right now from stopping me from wanting to kiss you.
Cece: Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Schmidt: But I-I don't want to stop. I really don't. I will never stop wanting to kiss you. I am a monster.
Cece: I got to go.
Schmidt: Yeah, sure. Have fun.
Cece: Thank you. I really needed this.

Nick: Oh, yeah, good news. The gang's all here. Guys just PMS-ing?
Winston: Not in the mood today. Don't really feel like being yelled at, so what I'm gonna do is go ahead and leave, because right now I'm feeling very fragile.
Nick: I understand.
Jess: What's wrong with you?
Nick: I'm no longer angry! All the anger that used to be inside of me is gone! It's gone, it's gone!
Jess: This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

Nick: What is wrong with you?
Jess: No.
Nick: Period's got you down? That is such a raw deal. Want me to get you a sanitary napkin?
Jess: Ew!
Nick: Okay, I won't get that. But you're okay with pads or tampons or whatever it is that you're using?
Jess: [blows raspberry]
Nick: Tell me about your day, please. I want to get into your universe. Let's rap it out. Go. Floor is yours, pal. Talk, talk, talk. I want to listen.
Jess: No.
Nick: 30 seconds of direct eye contact?
Jess: Stop it, Nick. Please, stop.

Jess: I bombed all my interviews.
Nick: What? What happened?
Jess: I was sabotaged by my baby box, which means I'm never gonna trust anything that comes out of it. So that rules out a family.
Nick: I know just the thing you need. Come with me.

Nick: Welcome to the wonderful world of water massage. You are a piece of seaweed. You are totally happy.
Jess: Ow!
Nick: I don't mean to touch your boobs!
Jess: You're touching my boobs!
Nick: I don't mean to touch your boobs!
Jess: Fail, fail, fail.
Nick: The next move is...
Jess: Oh, my...!
Nick: Relaxing is important. Relaxing is important. Relax!