Aly: Winston once bought me a Canadian Mountie uniform.
Cece: No, he did not.
Aly: Not to be graphic, but he destroyed it in seconds.

Aly: So, Jess, what are you up to tonight?
Jess: Remember when Nick and I tried to adopt that dog and got rejected?
[flashback:]
Jess: [crying] I love you so much, Harriet. I'm never gonna put you down. I'm never gonna let you go.
[present:]
Cece: I still don't get this. They took a dog away from someone for loving it too much?
Jess: They said my enthusiasm for Harriet bordered on... madness.
Aly: Oh, I-I can see that.

Jess: My new dog. I'm so excited. And I get to surprise Nick 'cause he doesn't know about it. Our family is growing by four small paws.
Aly: Okay, whoa.
Cece: You need to reel that back in, sweetheart.
Jess: Okay, I think you're right. There is a fine line between enthusiasm and madness, and I do need to keep this in check.

Jess: I don't want to blow it, so you have to help me keep it together when Judith from the shelter gets here, 'cause she has to do a home visit before she signs off.
Nick: You're not gonna blow it. We will form a great game plan at dinner, so let's go now, 'cause we got that reservation, like I was saying.
Jess: No.
Nick: We have that reservation, like I was saying.
Jess: No. We don't have time for dinner. She's gonna get here any minute. You know, last time, she was very thorough.
Nick: Yes.
Jess: It could take a long time.
Nick: This is fine. This is foine. This is good. This is great. I'll push our reservation. I'll tell the restaurant we're celebrating tonight. We weren't before, but we are now.
Jess: Get an outdoor table so we can bring our new puppy.
Nick: That's not the plan.
Jess: Say, "Make room." We got to bring...
Nick: The dog is not...
Jess: ...a dog, a dog bed, a water bowl...
Nick: Good talk.
Jess: ...some toys, some chewies.

Cece: Tell your genitals to get their affairs in order.
Schmidt: Oh, my genitals know what they're getting into.

Cece: Hey, I have really exciting news. I'm ovulating. It's time for another baby! Let's get to the hotel!

Jess: Judith is gonna be here any minute, and I need you to test me. I looked up "cute dog" on the Internet, and I printed out a bunch of images, so I just need you to shove a cute dog in my face until I find something disgusting about it.
Nick: I can do that.
Jess: Oh. He's so teeny tiny... that he fits in his food bowl. And he climbed in. He wiggled around. [laughs] He knocked all his food out. Which sucks, because there are so many starving people in the world. Next dog.
Nick: Now we're talking. Good.
Jess: I know what I hate, but I'm not sure what you're gonna hate.
Jess [laughs] Oh, my God. I want to like this little lug.
Nick: Jess, what do you hate about this dog?
Jess: She's wearing a princess costume, which enforces gender stereotypes in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. Next dog.
Nick: I hate to do this one to you.
Jess: No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Nick: What do you dislike strongly?
Jess: Is this guy rocking a jean jacket?
Nick: Unfortunately, yes.
Jess: I don't hate that!

Cece: Why are you acting so weird?
Schmidt: I'm not acting weird. Winston, will you come with me? I'd love to be the first person to show you a raincoat.
Winston: I knew something was going on with raincoats.

Jess: So, as you can see, we have lots of toys for Mario to play with. [toy squeaking] And it looks like he's found one he enjoys. Look at that. [sniffles] Good for him.
Judith: Can I just say, I had some serious doubts about you getting a dog from us after what happened last time. You had a real Of Mice and Men vibe.
Jess: Did I? [laughs] I mean, who gets emotional over how cute a dog is, right? [laughs]
Judith: Oh. People with something missing inside of them? [both laugh]

Nick: [on the phone] Annabelle, you got to help me out.
Annabelle: Mr. Miller, in 30 minutes, I'll have a barstool and a high chair. I might be able to get you a table, but I can't guarantee that your mariachi band is gonna hang around.
Nick: [beep] I'm so sorry. Can you please hold?
Annabelle: Come on, Miller.
Nick: [switches line] Bob, I don't have time for this.
Bob Day: Clock's ticking, bub!
Nick: I know. But the hostess just offered me a barstool and a high chair, and I think I have to take it.
Bob Day: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me talk to her. Merge me. Merge me.
Nick: You asked for it. Here's Annabelle. [Jess enters] Nobody say a word.