Nick: Hey. I'm not doing anything. What are you doing?
Jess: I have to get this out of my system. [high-pitched] Mmm! You want to cuddle with Mommy? You want to cuddle with Mommy? What's your name? Oh, widdle baby tired. He-wo. He-wo. What's your name? Is it Mario? Yes, it is. Yes, it is! Okay. Okay. I got that out of my system. Now we have to go sign some paperwork.
Nick: Paperwork for a dog? What, are we buying or leasing?
Jess: Just get there fast, okay?
Nick: We can do fast. I like this. We got this. [exhales] Fast, fast, fast. [on the phone] You guys still on the phone?
Annabelle: Mr. Miller, I did not realize you were taking care of a sick relative. If you can get here in the next 30 minutes, I can squeeze you in to a normal table.
Nick: Thank you. 30 minutes. Thank you.
Bob Day: Nick, go! Hey, Annabelle. Tell me, uh... you do a nice rib eye?
Annabelle: Oh, no. Between me and you, it's trash.
Nick: That's enough.

Cece: Hey, Schmidt. It's getting a little late. Maybe we should, you know, move along to that second location.
Schmidt: [sighs] Cecilia... I have something I need to say to you.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: Um... first, let me say what an amazing mother and woman and partner you are. And deep down, I truly do... I truly do believe that you are a good person. A good person who likes Jews. You like Jews just fine.
Cece: Schmidt?
Schmidt: I'm nervous about us getting pregnant again.
Cece: You are? Why?
Schmidt: Because your temperament while pregnant is, um... Wish I had the words.
Cece: Winnie.
Winston: Hmm?
Cece: He have the words for you?
Winston: The words he used were "constant terror."
Schmidt: Why would you repeat that?
Winston: Well, 'cause you know I'm scared of Cece.

Winston: [chuckles] Hate to see if you had any videos of me in that phone, which you don't...
Aly: I do.
Winston: [on phone video] Mountie costume!

Judith: Since this is a fourth-floor loft, will you be creating a fire plan with Mario?
Jess: We'd love his input.
Nick: She means yes. Man, you got a lot of questions, Judith.
Judith: And if you were on a walk with Mario and you encountered a coyote, what would you do?
Nick: I'd run away. [chuckles]
Jess: He's joking.
Nick: No. I mean, what I would do is I'd pick up Mario, and then I'd run away.
Judith: And who would take Mario if your relationship were to end?
Nick: Oh, thank God. That's an easy one. I would take him. If we break up, I'd take him.
Jess: What?! You think we're gonna break up?
Nick: I didn't say... No, no, no, no.
Judith: You know what? I actually... I missed a question. How do you feel about pee pads?

Schmidt: There's no way that they're home. Nick is keeping those dinner reservations, I guarantee it.
Cece: I didn't know when and I didn't know why, but I knew that one day I'd be having sex in this loft again.
Schmidt: I hope Winston's room still has that exercise bike in it. I have an idea.

Schmidt: This is a surprise. A real slobber goblin tonight, huh?
Cece: What are you talking about?
Schmidt: Cece? What? We are not alone in this bed. [both screaming] [Mario barking] Aah! Whoa! Aah! Wait! [Cece shrieking] No! [shrieking] No, no. Dog! No! Dog! Horny dog! That terrier attacked my sensitive area!
Cece: Okay, how do you think I feel? You confused me for a dog.
Judith: I've never seen a naked man before.

Schmidt: He's been keeping the engagement ring in a plastic bag. It's not even a Ziploc bag. It's just a generic plastic bag.

Winston: Oh, USC's never getting these glasses back. They can take my bone marrow.

Schmidt: We're so sorry to crash your date. Our hotel reservation fell through.
Winston: Are you kidding me? I mean, I am so excited to have you guys here for my big day.
Aly: Kind of wish you were here earlier. He was being a complete bitch about pink.
Winston: No, I was not. I was confused, because they want to be red so bad, and I'm like, "You're not red. Like, stop." You know what I mean?
Cece: [laughs] Well, this is gonna be fun. For a little while.
Schmidt: Or a long while. Who knows?