Schmidt: I can't mingle with this trash. I've been to the mountaintop.
Jess: Okay, look. Look at me. You are moving on. Now, where's the old Schmidt? When I moved into the loft, you used to pull so many ladies. You were legendary.
Schmidt: That year, uh, Hurricane Schmidt did-did demolish... a number of beach communities.
Jess: Right. All right, we're gonna go talk to this girl over here.
Schmidt: She's on a flip phone, Jess. I mean, she's either poor or a time traveler.

Jess: Wait, that's so great for Cece. Coach is super hot. Wrong crowd. I see that now. Be that as it may, you blew it with Cece, so you have to be fine with this.
Schmidt: I am.
Jess: You are?
Schmidt: I promise I am.
Jess: You are?
Schmidt: 100% fine.
Nick: You're fine?
Schmidt: Yeah, I'm absolutely fine.
Jess: Really?
Schmidt: It's good for Cece, it's good for Coach, it's good for America. Who knows? We might even get another Tiger Woods out of this situation. Wouldn't that be nice?

Jess: Camryn Manheim represents a woman who was heckled by a carnival clown, and Dylan McDermott says...

Coach: How you liking that merch?
Cece: Oh, it's It's great, thanks.
Coach: Yeah, yeah. You want a pretzel?
Cece: No, I'm-I'm fine, thanks.
Coach: It wasn't a question. Hey, yo, slice! Let me get about seven of them hot things! You worried about the money? It's cool, I got it, babe. Coach had a good year today.
Cece: Yeah, when I-I agreed to go out with you, this isn't exactly what I expected.
Coach: I know, I hear that a lot, I hear that a lot.

Jess: Come on, Schmidt, get in the car. Get in the car.
Schmidt: I love her, Jess. I have to tell her.
Jess: Well, you can't. You have to let her go.
Schmidt: I know. Look, you're right. I know.
Jess: Okay, good. Come on, get back in the car.
Schmidt: I also know that in about 30 seconds, I'm gonna run away from you again, and this time, I will lose you. I'll go down alleys, I'll cut across parks. I will live in the shadows, just slithering, lurking, trolling the darkness.

Jess: Oh, hey. I was wondering about date night tonight. Do you wanna just stay in? 'Cause you know what that means.
Nick: Romantic dinner and Homeland?
Jess: Sex on the couch.
Nick: Or your thing.
Jess: Actually, Homeland sounds great.
Nick: Or your thing.

Jess: What happened to you? I thought you were supposed to go to a party.
Winston: Yeah, it's been so long that I think I forgot how to talk to women.
[flashback:]
Winston: You ever wonder if someone in here has killed someone? [chuckles]
[flashback:]
Winston: Ferguson is his name. Yeah, he's my cat. Here's him in a cowboy hat.
[flashback:]
Winston: Good lord, darling, how big are your feet?

Schmidt: Look, you're a beautiful woman. In another life, we certainly would've been lovers, but my soul mate is at a Sparks game right now with another man. I need to go get her.
Kate: Oh, you poor thing.
Schmidt: Please don't interrupt me. Now, do you see that bug-eyed woman over there? I need to ditch her so that I can go fulfill my destiny. Now, tell me when she looks away.
Kate: Not now. Not now. Wait. Now.
Schmidt: [kisses Kate] What might've been. [runs off]
Jess: Hey, Schmidt! No!

Bertie: What do you think he's gonna look like when we get him back? Found him under the steps eating a dead raccoon's eyeball. Your cat's a psycho.
Winston: Oh, did my baby have a tasty treat? Ferguson, I missed you so much, little buddy.
Nick: They're very connected, those two.
Bertie: I can relate. Got a beast of my own. Hodgkiss, wake up. We got company.
Nick: Aw. Is that a squirrel?
Bertie: Squirrel? It's a hamster.
Winston: Nick, you know what a squirrel looks like. Okay, you've been outside, man.
Nick: Trying to just figure out the smell, I guess.

Schmidt: Find Staples Center!
Female voice: [on phone] Finding Starples Medical Supply.
Schmidt: No, you dumb pocket robot!
Female voice: [on phone] Dan plummer rubber stumpers.
Schmidt: Aah! Now you're just making up words! That's not even a place! Damn you!
Female voice: [on phone] Maiden worcestershire sauce.