Schmidt: Hi, there. I'm ruining a date, and I don't want to show up empty-handed. I will take three of the, ooh, the dulce de leches. Um... How about some caramels? Do you have anything that says "I'm sorry for cheating on you. Please don't sleep with my friend"? [off her look] Of course you don't. Wonderful. Ooh, look at that. Samples. [eats]

Winston: Hey, Nick, um... Last night when Ferguson and I were in the shower, I had an epiphany. It's time to get back in the game. You know, meet some women. Human women.
Nick: Human? Is there any other kind?
Winston: Anyway, I was wondering if you'd watch Ferguson tonight while I go out for some drinks with some work buddies. Just for a little while. You just gotta give him a pill at 6:00.
Jess: We're having date night tonight.
Nick: Jess Winston wants to go out to meet human women. Without the cat.
Jess: Oh, yep, yep. Yep, yep. Nick will watch the cat. Question: Are those mouth pills or butt pills?
Winston: Just one pill. Just one butt pill.

Schmidt: Hey, guys. Just hanging at home tonight?
Jess: No, actually, we have a date tonight.
Schmidt: 'Cause I just made some cobbler. Some peach cobbler and slow-churned vanilla bean ice cream, and Coach is asking Cece out on a date tonight, and... Does anybody want a bite of this, 'cause it's? Ho! Ho! It's fresh out of the oven. It's piping hot! Ha! Ha!

Nick: Well, I hope Coach at least ran this by you first.
Schmidt: Coach came over, he followed the bro code. Actually went really well.
[flashback to the elevator:]
Coach: Yeah. Just the man I wanted to see.
Schmidt: You found me.
Coach: Yeah, I did. [high-five] I got a question for you, playa.
Schmidt: Drop the bomb, man! [high-five]
Coach: Can I ask Cece out on a date?
Schmidt: Yeah! [high-five] Wait, what?

Schmidt: I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Who knows if Cece will even say yes?
Coach: [enters] She said yes! We're going to the Staples Center to watch a game tonight. Are you still- Are you cool with this?
Schmidt: Hmm?
Coach: I mean, 'cause all you have to do is say the word, man, and I'll back off, for real.
Schmidt: N- No, man. Come on. Date that thing. [high-five] Yeah! And then date it again. [high-five]
Coach: All right. It's not gonna date itself. [high-five] Yeah, date it all night long. [high-five] I'm kind of nervous! [high-five] Yeah, I'm nervous.

Coach: Yeah, I'm really nervous. Um... I mean, she's beautiful and she's super cool. And it's just, like... Like, you don't even know.
Schmidt: I 100% know.
Coach: Yes, you know. You know.
Schmidt: She stopped the wedding because of me, so I'm just saying. And then I ruined it 'cause I had my own thing.
Coach: Malia broke up with me and that kind of, like, threw my head for a loop, so I'm super vulnerable right now. It's like I don't know. Think I'm feeling kind of insecure.
Schmidt: Come on. You're Coach. You're the Coach. Yeah. You're the prize. Remember, you're the prize. [high-five] You're the prize.
Coach: I'm Coach!
Schmidt: Yeah, you're Coach. [high-five]

Coach: She doesn't stand a chance! Oh, yeah, well... [high-five] She's gonna get it good! [high-five]
Schmidt: Yeah! Or you could take it slow!
Coach: Nah, I'm gunning it! [high-five]
Schmidt: Oh, oh! Y-you're gonna gun it.
Coach: I am gunning it.
Schmidt: Yes. You're gonna gun it for real?
Coach: That first-class ass is sitting in coach tonight. And best believe, my seat will be in an upright and locked position. Thanks, Schmidt.

Nick: Look, I know Schmidt. He's gonna try and stop that date from happening.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: So the strategy is containment.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: We got to lock him up. Distract him like a baby. If he gets out of line, we got to get physical.
Jess: We're gonna get physical with a baby?
Nick: Please don't question me. I'm a pro.
Jess: Or we could help him move on. Take him out, get him drunk, maybe meet someone new?
Nick: No. We just got to keep him in a safe place. I wish I had that dog cage.
Jess: What?
Nick: When you see a dog cage for sale, you buy it.

Nick: Hey, Jess, about tonight, I'm so sorry.
Jess: No, it's okay. We'll have date night when we're marrie- Da, burp a durp a durp.
Nick: What did you just-?
Jess: Merry. When we're very Merry Christmas.
Nick: All right, moving on.

Schmidt: Really appreciate this, guys. Are you guys hungry?
Nick: Always.
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Great. I'm gonna go get some food from the Staples Center.
Nick: Hey, easy. Chill out.
Schmidt: Okay. All right. You're right, you're right. Great call.