Winston: So, Bertie, have you always been a bus driver?
Bertie: I used to manage a shoe store. Then I, uh, quit, had a few dark years. Sold Christian T-shirts for a while.
Winston: Okay.
Bertie: Got my tubes tied. Not cheap.
Nick: This is a real honest conversation.
Winston: Shut up, Nick.
Bertie: Pulled myself out of that personal hell, and voila. You know, I like driving bus. Get to put whatever I want on the dash. Keeps the darkness away. You know?

Bertie: You know, I like driving bus. Get to put whatever I want on the dash. Keeps the darkness away. You know? I also, uh I paint.
Winston: You paint? [stares at painting]
Bertie: It's a boat.
Winston: Oh, I can see it's a boat.
Bertie: All right, well, uh I better take my stomach medicine. I got to get up at 3:30.
Nick: Is that A.M.?
Bertie: I drive a bus.
Winston: Will you eat your damn sandwich, Nick.
Nick: I don't like it.
Bertie: What about you, Winston? Do you like it?
Winston: I'm not gonna lie to you, Bertie. Sometimes it was a little hard to chew.
Bertie: Well... You can suck on it to make it soft.
Nick: [chokes]

Winston: Listen, Ferguson, I'm about to do what adults do. Hey, wish me luck.
Nick: I think that's enough.
Winston: Wish me luck.
Nick: Oh, this is a fat cat.

Coach: Cece, wait! Please wait! I was texting my mom!
Man: Dork.
Coach: Shut up!
Cece: Oh, come on! Do you really expect me to believe that?
Coach: No. I-I promise I... My mom... She was texting me because I was super nervous about this date.
Cece: Your mom?
Coach: Look.
Cece: "Go get 'em, BooBoo"?
Coach: That's me. I'm BooBoo.

Cece: Why do you need inspirational quotes from your mom just to talk to me?
Coach: I'm sorry. I... I'm just I'm coming out of this relationship, and, like I just I don't know. I feel I don't know how to I don't know how to do this anymore.
Cece: I know how you feel.
Coach: You do?
Cece: Yeah.
Coach: Wow. Uh... I just want to put on some Drake and get up on you, girl.
Cece: You see, you're doing it again.
Coach: Damn it! I know. Sorry.

Jess: Hey! Schmidt! Schmidt, what are you doing?! Why do you have all that chocolate?
Schmidt: I'm going to go win her back! Do you know where I can get a pretty candle?!

Schmidt: Jess, there's only one way for you to stop me.
Jess: Well, I'll do it, whatever it is.
Schmidt: Hit me with your car.
Jess: What?! No! No!
Schmidt: It's the only way for you to stop me!
Jess: No! That's crazy, Schmidt!
Schmidt: Come on, Jess. Now, do it! I deserve it. I cheated on your best friend, I tried to break up you and Nick. Hit the gas.

Schmidt: Three. Two. Do it for Cece. [Jess moves the car forward slowly]
Jess: Oh, my God!
Schmidt: What the hell was that?!
Jess: You told me to hit you with the car!
Schmidt: You friggin' hit me with your vehicle!
Jess: You asked me to.
Schmidt: I didn't think you were gonna do it.
Jess: I barely tapped you.
Schmidt: This is my favorite utility khaki!
Jess: Well, then don't tell me to hit you with my car if you don't want me to hit you with my car!
Schmidt: You're out of control!
Jess: What?
Police Officer: [o.s.] Ma'am, please pull over.
[Jess drives forward and sends Schmidt hurtling over the windshield]
Schmidt: Jess! Oh, my God! Schmidt!
Schmidt: Son of a bitch!

Jess: I know how this looks.
Police Officer: Like you hit a man with your car?
Schmidt: Twice.
Jess: I only meant to hit you once.
Schmidt: Well, you hit me twice.
Jess: Also, he asked me to hit him.
Schmidt: I'm in a really weird place.
Police Officer: I just need to write a report.
Schmidt: She's not a criminal. She... She was being a friend.
Jess: I hit him because I care about him.
Police Officer: You guys are into some weird stuff.

Jess: Well, congratulations. You made it.
Schmidt: I did, didn't I?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: And, hey, you know, don't worry about the hospital bill. I'll pay it.
Jess: Wait a minute. Did you think that I was gonna pay?
Schmidt: Well, you hit me with your car, and I thought...
Jess: You told me to hit you with the car.