Winston: You know what? It's fine. I'll be alone my whole life. You know, Hank Aaron was alone for every home run he hit. As long as I got Ferguson. Speaking of which, where is that cat? Ferguson! [whistles] That's strange. He usually comes when I call him. Nick, you left the window open? Oh, my God, no.
Jess: Nick!
Nick: What?
Winston: You know he always trying to kick it with those pigeons. Nick, you let him out.

Jess: No, Schmidt. God, you can't do that to Cece. She's just starting to move on. All we have to do is get through the night. Just have to get your mind off her.
Schmidt: What do you want to start with?
[cut to:]
Jess: [sings] Play it now Play it now, my baby Cracklin' Rosie, get on by
Schmidt: What's-what's happening?

Schmidt: I can't stop thinking about Cece!
Jess: Okay! Nick said this would work. Sit down. Stop thinking about Cece.
Schmidt: Wow. Look at this leather. It's so smooth, brown. It's just like Cece.
Jess: That's weird.
Schmidt: You're right. I'm just gonna lay down for a little bit.
Jess: Okay.
Schmidt: [sighs] Oh, yeah, this feels good. [kisses couch]
Jess: Okay. What are you doing, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Nothing, just go. No, no, no, no. Just go away.

Jess: We're getting you out of here, and we're gonna get you a new woman, okay?
Schmidt: Nick said to stay home.
Jess: Well, Nick doesn't know everything, Schmidt. And please stop this. This is so disgusting. I can't even look at you. Come on, this is gross. This is getting really weird.
Schmidt: Please! Just one more kiss!
Jess: No, you're kissing a sectional, you dummy!
Schmidt: All right. That was the right move. You did good.

Winston: Ferguson!
Nick: Ferguson!
Winston: Ferguson! Come here, buddy!
Nick: Come on, you little son of a bitch!
Winston: We should do another lap around the park. I bet those mean-ass kids playing frisbee are gone by now.

Winston: Damn it! I should've never gone to that party.
Nick: Nah, the party was a good thing. You should go to more parties.
Winston: Really? I got shot down by... I don't know... And then I come home to find out that you have misplaced my best friend.
Nick: Ferguson's your best friend now?
Winston: Yes!
Nick: Would you listen to yourself? This is pathetic.
Winston: Whoa. "Pathetic" is harsh.
Nick: I didn't mean-
Winston: Friends don't call friends pathetic.
Nick: Well, what do friends do when their other friend is taking a shower with a cat?

Winston: Wait, wait, wait! I just got a text. Somebody found him.
Nick: No way! Ferguson?
Winston: Yes. Yes! [Nick claps] Don't do that at all.
Nick: If that cat's alive, we're made up.

Jess: Hi! This is my friend Schmidt. And he's sweet and he's smart. And he has a job that I don't really understand, but seems to pay him well. Schmidt, sit down. Okay. I'm gonna give you two a moment.

Bertie: This guy's the best. I'd rather stay home and watch Grey's with him than go out to some bar, try to impress some douche bag dressed like a lumberjack. I am done chasing men.
Winston: I hear that. I am so done chasing women.
Bertie: [smacks lips] That's too bad. [Winston chuckles] Yeah, it's too bad. You guys hungry?
Nick: Oh, no, but thank you very much-
Winston: I could eat.
Bertie: Winston, do you like bologna? It's the kind you have to peel the wrapper off just to get to the meat.
Winston: And do you have pudding in a cup?
Bertie: I never have pudding in a cup.
Winston: No.
Nick: Is that a good thing or a bad thing that she doesn't?
Winston: That's a good thing.
Nick: You know, I don't know what's going on here.

Cece: Wha? Who are you texting right now?
Coach: Uh, wh-what are you talking about? I'm not texting. I was just, uh...
Cece: You're texting right now.
Coach: Nah, I'm just, uh...
Cece: Okay, you know what? Whoever you are texting, if you want to be with them, you should just go off and be with them.
Coach: You're so jealous.
Cece: Okay, yeah, you know what That's it! That is the last straw! I'm out of here.