Nick: [answers phone] Schmidt, are you calling me from the sky?
Schmidt: This Chinatown bus doesn't have a sky-phone, or working landing gear, apparently. They said we're going to be stuck on the tarmac for hours.
Pregnant Woman: You're screaming in my ear.
Schmidt: That's motherhood, lady. Get used to it.

Cece: [on the phone] This is by far the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me.
Schmidt: I love you so much.
Cece: This is why I'm marrying you, because you do stuff like this.
Schmidt: This is the happiest day of my life.
Cece: It's also so dumb.
Schmidt: So dumb. Like, so dumb. Just the dumbest. I want to take all your clothes off and kiss every single part of your body. I want to do stuff that makes us feel ashamed about what we've done, but we won't have to...
Cece: Babe. Hey, babe. Babe.
Schmidt: I want to make love, fall asleep while we're making love...
Cece: Okay, you're on speaker. You're on speaker, so...
Schmidt: Dream of making love and wake up still making love.
Jess: Hey.
Nick: Hey, Schmidt.
Reagan: I'm also here.
Schmidt: Cece. Listen to me. I'm not going to miss this wedding. I'm going to get off this plane no matter what. You just need to buy me an hour.

Nick: How are you?
Reagan: I'm good. How are you?
Nick: Good, yeah. Great, look at this. What is that, a towel?
Reagan: I think it's a pashmina.
Nick: "Pashomina"?
Reagan: Pashmina.

May: Ernie, give him your jacket.
Coach: What?
Winston: Give me the damn jacket.
Coach: All right, here, dude.
Winston: [o.s.] I jabbed my giblets in the breast pocket.
Coach: Tie it around your waist.
Winston: Then that leaves the front porch open or the back. I don't think this is gonna work. I'll just sit here cold and naked while my best friend gets married. Look, you were right, Coach. I'm not a serious man. I'm a nude, apple bottom, long-fronted dumb-ass. Ooh, look. At least you can change the background. Look. Now I'm in the Oval Office. That's crazy.
Coach: Winston, you're a groomsman and a bridesman. It doesn't get more serious than that. You can't miss this wedding.

Reagan: So, I mean, I feel like I really put myself out there, right? I got on a plane, and I flew across the country to see him. I couldn't get him out of my head, you know?
Jess: Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah.
Reagan: And then he says the word "relationship," and I freaked out, because... [chuckles] You know what, I don't know. Am I crazy to want a relationship with Nick? I mean, you guys were together. What happened?
Jess: We were kind of a mess. I wanted him to have a plan for his life and not keep his money in a box in his closet. And... he wanted me to not care about those things.
Reagan: That's not so bad. I mean, who really has a plan for their life?
Jess: [chuckles] Who does that? [chuckles] Me. Me. I d... I did it. I do it.
Reagan: I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who keep a very traditional banking account.
Jess: Yeah. There are. And I just dated one of 'em. And I... I don't think any of that stuff matters.
Reagan: Thank you. You are awesome.
Jess: Thanks.
Reagan: I'm gonna go do this.

Schmidt: So nice of your mom to get us this trip. Much better than my dad's gift of weed gummy bears. [laughs]
Schmidt: Aah! What the hell is happening?!
Cece: What?! What is happening?!
Schmidt: No! No!
Winston: Ha-ha! Happy honeymoon!
Schmidt: Winston!
Cece: How long has he been in there?
Schmidt: It's gonna ruin the whole freaking vacation!
Winston: Honeymoon prank! What are you all drinking?

Nick: I'm sorry, I just can't believe you came.
Reagan: I did.
Nick: Things I'm feeling: excited. Number two: scared. I mean, are we gonna do this? You and me? Take it home. Take it to the mat.
Reagan: I don't know what that means.
Nick: You know, like, the big "R."
Reagan: Oh, a relationship?
Nick: No. [laughs] No, no. See when I say, The big "R," I'm, of course, talking about, uh, rasslin'.
Reagan: Yeah, I think that's a "W," "W-R."
Nick: Do you ever feel, deep down, that you know at some point you're gonna have a stroke and it's gonna be really bad?

Nick: Schmidt? Schmidt.
Winston: Nah, it's me. Easier to clean myself off this way. Aly told me she loved me last night. Then she yakked on my pants, and then I yakked on my pants. I picked the wrong day to start cuffing my pants. [laughing] Yeah, she ain't going to make it to the wedding.

Nick: Have you seen Schmidt? This is very important.
Winston: What? The best man has lost the groom, or something?
Nick: In what world would that happen in? In what world? In what world would that happen in?

Jess: It's one thing for Sam to dump me on your wedding day, but then to be like, "You have feelings for Nick." Yeah, nice diagnosis, Dr. Dick.
Cece: Is he that off-base?
Jess: Yes. Now, we're not devoting any more of your wedding day to this subject.