Jess: I'm sorry, I didn't get the TV.
Schmidt: What happened?
Cece: Urgh, terrible roommates. I mean seriously, you guys told her to call Spencer? That is not your job, that is my job!

Jess: What's wrong with me?
Nick: I figured it out. This guy is your kryptonite. You need to stand up and you need to fight him.
Jess: I tried to fight him but I can't, because I'm powerless.
Nick: Cause you're not ready to let him go. I think you know, deep down, once you get your stuff back, you know, it's over over.

Jess: What am I gonna say?
Nick: Hey, Spencer, give me my TV back.
Jess: Hi, Spencer, give me my TV back, buddy.
Nick: Hey, no buddy. How about jerk or idiot?
Jess: Mr. Crabs.
Winston: Mr. Crabs is an option.

Cece: Your hand is on my leg.
Schmidt: Oh, your hand's on my leg.
Cece: No, it really isn't.
Schmidt: Classic he said, she said.

Schmidt: You know I'm onto you.
Winston: What do you mean?
Schmidt: You told me that I'm top dog, but secretly you think that you're top dog. All right, now you are just trying to out top dog the top dog.
Cece: Jess, can you please take these doors off child lock so I can kill myself.
Schmidt: Men are working. Look, things are different now, man. You're not top dog anymore. I am.
Winston: Okay, you know what you are absolutely correct you are the top dog. [takes off imaginary crown] Here. [puts it on Schmidt]
Schmidt: [takes off imaginary crowd] What are you doing? There is no top dog crown. Are you trying to make me look stupid. Look man, this is about respect, I'm a lot flyer than I used to be.
Winston: Yeah, much flyer. I respect you, Schmidt.
Schmidt: No, you don't. Because if you did, you would have told me that the small room is the top dog room.

Nick: That's the wizard? He's wearing a scrunchie.
Winston: Looks like he juggles clubs on the beach.
Cece: Yeah, like he'd ever have a job.
Schmidt: Didn't you just kind of assume he'd have a handlebar mustache?

Spencer: Jess, take your shoes off, we keep an Asian household.

Spencer: You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? You can stay here until you can find a better place to live.
Nick: You know what, I don't like you, Stretch. I don't like anything about you. And I'm not afraid to...
Jess: I got this. I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six year trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me, thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have ended up marrying you and then you would have hurt me all over again. [sighs] And yeah, I was scared to start over, I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them. I just met him. But I love them. All of them!

Spencer: You know, I thought we were going to handle this like adults, Jess.
Jess: Yeah well, I though you were the love of my life, so... Suck it, Mr. Crabs!

Winston: You know what? Maybe I didn't have respect for you before, because, if this is what respecting you feels like, this is definitely not how I felt.
Schmidt: So, you recognize? Represent, what?
Winston: Okay, look, I'm gonna be completely honest. I've been messing with you, but it's just that I wanted my old room back. You know, you're right. I've been away a long time and things have changed around here, so I guess I kind of got to get used to that. Keep the big room.
Schmidt: See, now you're just deep dogging me, man. I'm not scared of your mind games. I'm taking the small room, Winston.
Winston: Schmidt, that's not what I mean...
Schmidt: No, no, no, no, no. Why don't you listen to what I mean? You can double reverse dog me until the cows come home. I'm not falling for it. What do you take me for? Some kind of idiot?
Winston: [quietly] Yes.