Nick: Look, dude, give her the shirt back. I bet she worked hard on that Jam-boree.
Jess: Yeah, it's a play on words. Jam. Boree. Jam!
Schmidt: Girl all made a lot of jam, Spence. You know how time-consuming that can be? You need a jar funnel, a canner, some fresh fruit; strawberries, raspberries, maybe a tayberry, maybe a ripe...
Nick: No more fruit.

Nick: Hey, what is going on in here?
Jess: Um, Schmidt wants to know where in his room he looks the sexiest.
Nick: Well, it's a big room. What are your choices?
Schmidt: Okay, I'm glad you asked. All right, here? Here? Or here? You know, maybe just reading a book or something.
Nick: A lot of options. Could you do them again really fast?
Schmidt: You want to see them again?
Nick: Please.
Schmidt: Okay. Here? Here? Here?
Jess: Wait, what was the first one again?
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Okay, I get it. Let's all laugh at Schmidt, great. Here? Here?

Jess: So Coach said, that they used to play basketball together at college, but then Winston went pro...
Schmidt: In Latvia, okay? He went pro in Latvia, there's a big difference. Well the team logo is a fig. Just a.. just a one single fig.
Jess: Oh, you're jealous. That's so cute.
Schmidt: Of Winston? No no no. Look, I'm not jealous of Winston. Okay, it's been two years. He's gonna have to recognize I'm a lot flyer now. Want to see me flex my base? [takes shirt off]
Nick: Nah, nah, nah. Put your shirt on.
Schmidt: Let me flex my base. Let me flex my base, man.
Nick: Put your shirt on.
Schmidt: Baboom.
Nick: It's the morning.

Nick: He's never gonna give you that room back.
Winston: Psh, come on man, it's Schmidt. You know they have a saying in Latvia, "That guy is so stupid we could easily take things away from him."
Nick: [laughs] That's a saying?
Winston: Yeah, it is.
Nick: That's a weird saying.

Schmidt: Jess, look, it's a ball.
Jess: Oh, a little b-ball, huh? [laughs; bounces ball] You know, I'm actually pretty good. I used to play with my mom. [singing] Defense! Defense! Watch out for the defense! Sneaky sneaky wah wah.
Nick: [to Winston] You get used to it.
Jess: Hey, Schmidt!
[Jess bounces the ball hard in Schmidt's direction, but it bounces up and smashes the TV]
Nick: Ah, come on!
Jess: Oh!
Schmidt: Wow.
Jess: Oh! My bad!

Nick: Do you have a TV at Spencer's?
Jess: Yeah, I do, it's just really big and thin and bright.
Nick: Go get it!
Jess: No, I can't. I haven't spoken to Spencer since he cheated on me with that hoe. Actually, that's not fair, she might be a really nice hoe.

Winston: Wow, I miss this place. How's your yogurt thing, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Oh, the parfait? It's parfait.
Nick: Come on, don't...
Schmidt: [to the waitress] Oh, hello. You look beautiful today. You look smart.
Waitress: Stop talking to me, Schmidt.

Winston: So, you're making all the calls now, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Sure.
Winston: This must mean you're the top dog?
Schmidt: Yeah?
Winston: That's cool...
Schmidt: You know, I'm glad you guys think that, cause... you know I think that too.
Winston: One hundred percent. I mean, when I moved out, obviously there was a power vacuum.
Nick: Yeah, I needed a leader, I didn't know which end was up.
Schmidt: Yeah, Nick's the bottom, if you know what I mean.

Nick: Absolutely, say Winston, do all top dogs need the biggest room or, I dunno, is that kinda cheesy, a little over kill?
Winston: No, no, no, no, no. Though, I definitely see what you're saying, though. Definitely. Uh, every top dog is different. Every top dog is different. Hey, Schmidt, what uh... What kind of top dog are you?
Schmidt: ...the kind with the big room.

Jess: $550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I go.
Store Owner: You drew a smiley face.
Jess: I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids.
Store Owner: For the kids, $550.
Jess: I can't go home without a TV. I thought pawn shops were about helping people and frankly, right now, I feel taken advantage of. I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or lets be honest, sexually. I'll just... I'll just get out of here. [tries to grab the TV but fails to lift it]
Store Owner: Are you trying to rob me?