Schmidt: So it was you who helped me through my first breakup with Elizabeth?
Nick: Yeah, Schmidt.
Schmidt: And it was you, not Keaton, who told me that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants?
Nick: Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. They're unbelievably comfortable.

Schmidt: What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton at that deli, and he stopped, and he winked?
Nick: Honestly, I can't explain that one. It was just the weirdest day of my whole life.
Schmidt: My friend Michael.
Nick: Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? But honestly, I was just trying to help. You don't need Keaton. You got me.
Schmidt: [shudders] What was that?
Nick: I'm so sorry.
Schmidt: What- Why would you say something like that?
Nick: Because I hurt you, and I've been wanting to fix this for years.
Schmidt: The end of a high school football movie?
Nick: I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. It's super weird. Are we good?
Schmidt: Yeah. We're good.

Nick: Stop with the show!
Jess: You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase.
Schmidt: [stops in front of the elevator] Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when we'll see each other again? Or where. [goes to 4C]
Jess: Wait. You're just moving in across the hall?
Nick: Guy's an idiot.
Jess: See you tomorrow, Schmidt
Schmidt: I can't hear you 'cause I'm gone.
Nick: Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. [Schmidt closes the door] Oh, you are kidding me.
Jess: I can see your feet!
Nick: Me, too.
Schmidt: [o.s.] Shut up.

Nick: This place gives me the willies, man. Do you know why they can't keep a tenant in here?
Jess: Why?
Nick: Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. And to come here on Halloween? Seems risky.
Jess: What's risky?
Nick: The ghost situation.

Jess: I brought you guys in here to talk about Schmidt. I'm really worried about him. He hasn't been to work for three days. He just sits on the couch eating cold cuts and yelling at the news about how nothing matters.
Winston: It's a problem.
Nick: Right.
Winston: Be honest, it's a real problem.
Nick: He's just going through a whole thing, you know? The Cece-Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him.
Winston: Right now he is completely unhinged. Y'all feel that?
Nick: What is going on?
Winston: Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt a weird breeze go through my body, that's all I'm saying.

Jess: Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the old Schmidt. I want him to be happy again. He's crumbling before our very eyes. And I'm having a party tonight, and I just can't have him lying on the couch, wiping his tears with deli meat.
Nick: I'll talk to him, okay?
Jess: Thank you.
Nick: People get weird with breakups. Trust me, I got this.
Winston: [gruff voice] You got this.
Jess: That was Winston.
Nick: Was that you or was that in here, dude?
Jess: That was-
Nick: Don't do that!

Winston: [sings] Pumpkining.
Schmidt: You're really good at that.
Winston: Thanks, man.
Schmidt: Yeah. What are you carving there?
Winston: It's a pumpkin.
Schmidt: Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. [smashes pumpkin]
Winston: My pumpkin!
Schmidt: Pumpkin doesn't matter.

Jess: Hey. I just wanted to talk to you, um... About my party tonight.
Schmidt: You don't want me to come to the party?
Jess: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Schmidt: Jess, do you not want me to come to your party?
Jess: No. No.
Schmidt: Doesn't matter.
Jess: I wouldn't go if I weren't throwing it, you know? It's, like, more of a business-networking.
Schmidt: It's not a big deal at all. I just won't come. I'll stay at home, and I'll just hang out in my costume. Oh, wait a minute. Your home is my home. [eats pumpkin] See you at the party.

Winston: Nick, I think it's time for Schmidt to get a letter from an old friend.
Nick: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jess: What old friend?
Nick: Forget you heard anything.
Jess: What old friend?
Nick: Nothing, J-
Winston: We need him, Nick.
Nick: No, we don't.
Winston: We got to bring him back.
Jess: Bring who back?
Nick: Winston, don't do this!
Jess: Guys, does nobody listen to me?!

Nick: What are you writing?
Jess: I fixed it again. You're welcome again.
Nick: So you just wrote from Keaton, "I'm going on vacation"? He would never write that, Jess.
Jess: Why not?
Schmidt: [o.s.] Vacation?! Oh, Michael, you... stop going away.
Nick: I knew this would happen.