Nick: I didn't want to have to do this. [puts on Batman mask]
Jess: Oh, is that really necessary, Nick?
Winston: Shh.
Jess: What?
Winston: Let him work. I'm kind of like his Robin.
Nick: You're not like my Robin.
Jess: You want to be Robin?
Winston: He doesn't have all the responsibilities of Batman, but he can take some of the glory.
Jess: Robin's a joke.
Nick: Robin's the joke.
Jess: I think we can all agree.
Winston: The kids look up to him, you know, in the community.

Schmidt: Michael! It's me Schmidt.
Nick: See you later, Michael! Take off!
Schmidt: We have so much to talk about.
Nick: Our heroes are never who we want them to be! Oh. Oh. You met him. It's Keaton.
Schmidt: Come on, you guys. I know. I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid?
Nick: No. It just I... Just don't really know what to say in this situation.
Jess: Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault.
Schmidt: You should be ashamed of yourselves. How dare you hack into the private e-mail account of one of our nation's finest actors! I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this.

Schmidt: Oh, come on, Obama. Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. Babies are born, old people die. And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, and one day, it stops. And then what? You want you want to talk about health care? [squeezes bottle into his mouth]
Nick: That's mayo, buddy.
Nick: [to Jess] Yeah, I don't got this.

Jess: Who is he?
Winston: Michael Keaton.
Nick: You stupid!
Jess: Michael Keaton, the actor? The Batman?
Winston: Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I?
Nick: I'm not telling her.
Winston: Fine. I'll do it.
Nick: You will?
Winston: When Schmidt was seven years old...
Nick: [scoffs] You're a terrible storyteller. I'll just do it myself, I guess.

Jess: Oh, my God. You've been cat fishing Schmidt. Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing to turn Schmidt around?
Nick: Absolutely.
Jess: Great!
Nick: But I won't do it.
Winston: Why not?
Nick: Because I put it to bed, okay? It's over. He'll do anything Keaton says. The letters are too powerful. I'm lying to my best friend. And I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love.
Jess: Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick?
Nick: Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. But I won't do it. Sorry.
Winston: You think you tell that story better than me? Look, you leave out way too many details, man. You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar.
Nick: [o.s.] That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway.

Schmidt: Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, and I won't be coming to your party tonight. I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me realize that I should give Cece her space.
Nick: An old friend, huh?
Schmidt: Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like to throw his name around because I don't like people treating me any differently, but It's Michael Keaton.
Jess: What?! [laughs]
Schmidt: Uh, okay. Calm down.
Jess: The actor?! [laughs]
Schmidt: Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. There was one time he e-mailed me. He said he was my best friend. Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, me and Michael, so just enjoy the night.

Nick: Okay, guys, he almost found out once. Now, luckily, I handled it.
[flashback:]
Younger Schmidt: I don't understand. In 1995, he told me specifically that he had never been to Nicaragua. It doesn't make any sense.
Younger Nick: [knocks Schmidt out with a book] Aah!
[present:]
Nick: [to Jess] You have no idea what you've done.

Schmidt: Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that it's too early to e-mail Michael back? Should I send him an e-card? Does that change anything, or does that change everything?
Jess: I think you're overthinking it.
Schmidt: You know what? You're right. You're right.
Jess: Be cool.
Schmidt: I think I'm way too up here, all upstairs. Got to bring it down here to here. Not any lower, though. It's not like that.
Nick: I know it's not.
Schmidt: Bro, it's not like that.
Nick: No one thinks it is, bro.
Schmidt: Cool.

Winston: And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks in the nude, David Letterman!
Nick: That is a terrible Letterman.
Winston: Really? People at work tell me I look just like Dave.
[flashback to Winston standing in front of a colleague who looks like David Letterman:]
Man: You look just like Letterman.
Winston: You know, I have always thought that.
[The Letterman look alike throws a pencil towards the man]
[present:]
Winston: What, uh, what uh, Nick, Nick Miller. So you a, uh? You're a- [goofy chuckle]
Nick: What is that?
Winston: That's, that's his laugh.
Nick: He's never done that.
Winston: That's his laugh.

Nick: It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here.
Schmidt: I have to meet him, Nick. I have to.
Nick: No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no.
Jess: You're a great kid, Sch You're a great kid, Schmidt.
Nick: No. Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 'cause you met your hero.
Jess: Go to an all-night diner.
Schmidt: No, I have to meet... Got to meet him.
Jess: He's got to-
Schmidt: It's Michael Keaton!
Jess: Go get a blintz or two!