Louise: Look at my boy! Are you wearing suntan lotion?
Schmidt: Yes.
Louise: Say hello to your brother.
Schmidt: Oh, hello, Reggie.
Louise: Kiss your brother.
Schmidt: What?
Louise: Kiss your brother. He loves it!
Schmidt: I don't want to. I don't want to.
Louise: Kiss him! Kiss him on the lips. He loves it. Come on.
Schmidt: I don't want to, Mama!
Cece: Come on, Schmidt. It's okay. I'll kiss him.
Louise: Why would you do that? He's your husband's brother. That's gross.

Louise: Welcome to Long Island, the real New York.
Cece: This is such a lovely home, Louise.
Louise: Yes, it is. Who wants Crystal Light?
Jess: Oh, me.
Cece: Thank you.
Jess: That is good. I'd kiss you, but that would mean I made out with both of Schmidt's parents. [Schmidt groans] Yeah. Good vibes. Great trip so far.

Schmidt: I'm gonna go wardrobe prep for tonight and press my suit.
Louise: I'll press it.
Cece: Or I... I can press it.
Louise: Can you, though?
Jess: [whispers] PADFUNT.

Winston: Yeah, man.
Nick: You got it?
Winston: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, that's all you right there.
Nick: You got it? Man, I don't have any money. I need to borrow a little bit. I spent everything.
Winston: I was gonna ask you.
Nick: I spent all my cash on lunch.
Winston: Well, I only take prepaid debit cards with me on trips so I can stick to a budget. I'm tapped out, man. Use your credit card.
Nick: I don't have a credit card!
Winston: You don't have a credit card?
Nick: Once you get one, you're in their system.
Winston: I have zero dollars. Okay, well, how are we supposed to get to Long Island?
Nick: So, we don't have any money?

Nick: Excuse me? I put five dollars in there earlier. I need to take $4.50 out. I guess you could say my ears are bigger than my pockets.
Winston: Oh!
Nick: Very close to hitting my finger!
Winston: Brother, brother, brother. [laughs] How you doing, black man? Black man, how you...? Aah! Oh!
Nick: I got this. Let me tap in. [Winston groans] Black man, black man, my brother, my brother.
Winston: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Jess: Ugh! That's gut-wrenching!
Cece: Sorry, sweetheart.
Louise: I'm sorry in a way only a mother could be.
Jess: It sucks that it was so cool to be a bully when we were young.
Schmidt: This is a disaster. If you need me, I'll be in my room... blasting Dookie on cassette.
Jess: Wait! Schmidt. [sighs] Freakin' New York.
Schmidt: [o.s.] Ma, you turned my room into Reggie's room? I hate my brother!

Cece: You all right in there, baby?
Louise: I got this. A mother knows how. You all right in there, baby?

Jess: Let me try. Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt?
Cece: Okay, okay.
Jess: [whispers:] Just one more. Schmidt?
Schmidt: [o.s.] Shut up!
Jess: [quietly] Yes, I did it.

Nick: Did it just work? [chuckles]
Winston: Yes, sir, my man, I think it did! Let's count up all this loot. That's several... see what we find right here. That's seventy... We got 72 cents.
Nick: So if we just stall until the train arrives, we never have to do anything.
Winston: What time is it?
Nick: It's showtime!
Winston: What time is it?
Nick: It's showtime!
Winston: [chuckling musically]

Nick: Aw, the train! What terrible timing. You're gonna miss the show. What a drag!
Winston: It's crazy, man.
Charles Boyle: This is amazing. Do you guys need volunteers? Because I'll do it. I was just telling my son how I've always dreamed of being a busker.
Winston: Well, guess what. [chuckles] You have just introduced yourself to the best buskers in the business.
Woman: [over P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen, due to a signal problem at 51st Street all trains are currently delayed. Thank you for your patience.
Nick: What do we do now, Winston?
Winston: [chuckles] We are about to busk, baby. Okay, you're busking with the best! In the most unbelievable, I said inconceivable, unthinkable, unbelievable, also unthinkable...
Charles Boyle: Are you stalling?
Winston: [chuckles] In what world? In-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in... [stammering] What-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what...