Nick: I will be going on the count of three. One, zero, two, three, four...
Jess: What are you doing?
Nick: You never go on three. You want to catch the patient off guard. It's less scary that way. Everybody knows it. It's just a doctor trick.
Cece: Nick.
Nick: So this time I am going on three. One, two, three, four...
Jess: Do it!

Casting Director: So this is the famous Patches.
Winston: No. I am... Winston L'andre Bishop and this is: the king of cats. Lover of mats. No friend of rats. The kitty from Angel City, Furguson Michael Jordan... Bishop.

Schmidt: I was four steps away from freedom [sighs] and I fell. Oh, they were on me, and they traversed me. It was like I was their city and they were all rushing to work.

Nick: Did you have a dream last night?
Jess: Yeah, just the usual. You know, the one where I'm in a muffin test kitchen and Hillary Clinton tells me my muffins suck.
Nick: So that's the regular one.

Jess: [to Nick] I thought you could hang it on the wall here.
Cece: I love that. It's like your dad's looking over the bar.
Nick: Aw, thank you, Jess. It's really nice. All right. Now to be fair, I've had some sex dreams about you, too. First, there was the one where I was a spider and instead of legs it was penises.
Jess: No, I'm out.
Nick: It was eight penises...
Jess: Yeah, I know.
Nick: You were there, too.
Cece: I'm out.
Winston: Was I there?
Nick: And I'm out.
Winston: Oh, that would've been so cool.

Winston: I'm gonna try to settle him down. and disappeared. [laughter continues] [sings] What would you do if your son was at home Crying all alone On the bedroom floor
Casting Director: Oh, my God, he's singing to the cat.

Jess: Good night, Sam.
Sam: Uh, you got any place I can put this change?
Jess: [garbled by mouth guard:] Fahboh heh-mah. All right, sorry. [normally] I thought we had, uh, wrapped up the talking portion of the evening. Uh, football helmet.
Sam: You're a Bears fan?
Jess: Oh, you know, sometimes in life we collect things. Trinkets. Some sentimental, some not. Nick gave it to me. Is that, is that weird?
Sam: N-n-no, that's fine. I, uh, can't really believe I'm saying this, 'cause Nick being in your life has definitely been hard for me, but I'm getting used to it.
Jess: [garbled by mouth guard:] That makes me so happy.

Nick: Where are my leftovers?
Schmidt: What? Who cares?
Nick: I care. I brought it up. I left perfectly nice leftovers in the fridge, and I expect them to be there.
Schmidt: Well, now they're not. End of discussion.
Nick: No. Middle of discussion. You're not even gonna look at me? When you throw away my stuff, you're throwing me away.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Nick: I wanted to have cold scallop pizza for breakfast and you took that from me. You took that from me. I hope you can live with yourself. You're disgusting.
Schmidt: I'm actually really happy that you're eating breakfast, Nick. It's nice to know that you're taking care of yourself. Thank you.

Schmidt: Dear Lord, do you mean to tell me that you're going to brunch with the woman that you love and her boyfriend? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Winston: No, it's not that bad. I mean, I'm in a prank marriage, anyway. And I'm over Aly, so...
Schmidt: Don't you lie to me, Winston.
Winston: I'm not lying.
Schmidt: You and both know that you are not even a little bit over Aly. I'm coming with you.
Winston: All right, fine, Schmidt, you can come. But please, do me a favor? Don't be weird and start smelling people's bread. Either you eat bread, or you don't eat bread. There's nothing in between, man.

Aly: Well, the two most important men in my life are finally meeting. And for some reason this other guy's here.
Schmidt: Yo.
Tripp: Hey, brunch is on me today, guys, okay? So, feel free to add blue cheese to anything. I'm an agent for animal actors.
Aly: He's doing pretty good. He recently signed the crow from Game of Thrones.
Tripp: Darnell. You know his name.
Aly: Darnell. That's right.
Schmidt: I didn't realize an animal agent was a real job.
Tripp: Let me put it to you this way, so the next Avatar movie takes place on a cat planet, and, uh, I was the first one they called.
Winston: Shut up.
Aly: I know. I knew you were gonna like that.
Winston: A cat planet?
Aly: I know. He swore me to secrecy. I was gonna tell you.