Winston: My good... you know, I always thought Furguson should be in the movies. Would you interested in, uh, I don't know, taking a meeting with him? He's got no representation, so he's...
Tripp: Let me guess. Wait. He has an adorable yawn?
Winston: Yeah.
Tripp: Of course he does. He's a cat. But can he show up every day to work? I run a business. Pass.
Winston: Yeah, never mind. Dumb idea.

Schmidt: Tripp, you have got to sit down with Furguson. He's literally one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever laid eyes on.
Winston: Really? I thought you hated him. I thought you hated cats in general, actually.
Schmidt: I love Furguson, are you kidding me? It's Furguson. He's got that, uh... he's got the little, uh, his, uh... You know, his front?
Tripp: Does he have a headshot?
Aly: No, but W-Winston, actually does have a lot of 8x10 photos of the cat's face.
Tripp: All right, fine. Bring him by my office. Can't miss it. It's the tallest building in Beverly Hills.

Jess: Nick, I have to meet Sam's parents tonight. I don't have time for this. What will it take for you to just forget about this and get rid of the helmet?
Nick: Oh, just every single detail about the dream.
Cece: Damn.
Nick: Now, and this one is a biggie, was I 100% percent human?
Cece: What?
Jess: Obviously.

Nick: Okay, I'm just trying to figure out the reality of the dream.
Jess: Well, we were having sex, so in that sense, it was not reality-based at all, because that's never gonna happen again.
Cece: Oh!
Jess: You sound like the beginning of a Salt-N-Pepa song, and I just wish we could just, like, act like adults.

Jess: All right? Are we good? Can we get rid of the helmet?
Nick: I'm concerned, as a friend, that Sam isn't satisfying you sexually.
Jess: I can confidently say that's not what this is about.
Nick: Maybe he's just not rotating your tires enough, Jess.
Jess: What?
Nick: You know you need that at least once a month.
Jess: Nick. For sex, that's not enough. And for literal tire rotation, that's way too frequent.
Nick: Not when you drive like I do. Not... when you drive like I do.

Nick: Yes. I'm leaving, but I will not throw away this helmet.
Jess: Why? You didn't care about that helmet when you gave it to me?
Nick: Yes, I did. It was a Christmas gift.
Jess: I gave you a Christmas present, and you said, "Christmas? What? Hold up." And then you went and got that helmet. Unwrapped. What was I supposed to do with it? Wear it?
Nick: I wouldn't do...
Jess: Oh, the perfect ensemble for a night at the theater. Throw whatever you want at me, Blue Men. I'm ready.
[knocking at door] Oh, crap. That's Sam. Ugh. Okay, why won't this come off?
Nick: Probably because it's a child-size medium.
Jess: What?! Why would you give me a child's helmet?
Nick: I didn't think you were gonna put it on.

Jess: Cece, can you go out there and stall Sam? He knows that Nick gave me this helmet [knocking] and he can't see me in it.
Cece: Okay, what's my lie? Chlamydia?
Jess: No! No! Anything else. Literally, anything else.
Cece: Okay, anything else, okay.

Cece: Hey, hey, Legs. What's up?
Sam: You and I have never really clicked, huh?

Nick: Stop, you're gonna break it.
Jess: Whatever. I'll buy you a new one.
Nick: You can't. My dad gave it to me.
Jess: You gave me something that your dad gave you? Well... I just used it to put dirty change in. Why didn't you tell me?
Nick: I don't like talking about emotional stuff, especially about my dead father.
Jess: No, I... yeah. I get it. I get... I get it as much as someone who has two, living, healthy parents can.

Sam: Jess?
Jess: Oh. Oh. No, no.
Nick: There was a scallop pizza... and it was in the fridge
Jess: No, I was mad at Nick, so I put the helmet on.
Nick: Schmidt threw it away.