Jess: Hey, Winston! [chuckles] Looking good.
Winston: You don't have to gas me up, Jess. I've been at this thing for three hours. It is all legs.
Jess: Yeah. Look, I just wanted to tell you something, and that is that when you're alive... Sometimes your friends think that you're... No. Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Your dad's outside.
Winston: [laughs] Okay, that's a weird joke.
Jess: Yeah, that's not a joke. He is, um... he's outside. At this moment.
Winston: [chuckles] Well, how the hell did you find him?
Jess: Well, it was a journey. Basically, I Googled his name, and here we are.

Jess: Listen, if it would make you feel better to talk to your dad, then I think you should.
Winston: Yeah, I'll go talk to him. I wonder if... [chuckles] Nah. Okay. "Hey, D... Hey, Pop." "You want to shake my... You want to shake my... Your hand looks like my hand." [laughs] He'll be like, "What's up, son?" I'll be like, "Don't call me son."
Jess: Uh-huh.
Winston: "Don't call me son." You know? "But I love you so much. I miss... I've never seen you." I don't know what he looks like.
Jess: Or I can tell him to leave.
Winston: No. No. It's fine. He's my dad. I'll tell him.

Van Bishop: Say what you got to say, son.
Winston: Daddy! [both laugh]
Van Bishop: Get it out. Yeah.
Winston: [crying] Oh, my... My God. Look at that.
Van Bishop: Look at that.
Winston: Look at that!
Van Bishop: Look at that!
Winston: Look at that! Oh, come on, now.
Van Bishop: Come on!
Winston: Come on, now.
Van Bishop: Be feeling like I'm-a stand up in here. Come on, now!
Winston: Come on, now.

Nick: Hey, little girl. Hi. You want to open the gate for me?
Girl: No. No? You want... Let me see what I got. A peanut butter sandwich? You want a peanut butter sandwich? Come here me a sec. Give me a sec. Look at this, look at this. Come over here, eat the peanut butter sandwich. Open the gate. Look. Mmm. So yummy. Come... come on, come on. Where you going? Hey! Little girl! Come on, little girl, please. Where you going? Ah. No.
Man: Hey! What are you doing?
Nick: Oh, I was just trying to get a little girl out of here. [groans] I want to be a girl's godfather. So, godfathers can basically make rules and do things with little kids when their parents aren't around.
Man: What? Excuse me?!
Nick: And also, they love me.
Man: You sick bastard.
Nick: No, no.
Man: You're coming with me.
Nick: No, no.
Man: Peanut butter sandwich. Disgusting.
Nick: Stop! Kids love me. I'm a famous author.

Winston: You got bees on your shirt. I got birds on my shirt.
Van Bishop: Birds and the bees, baby.
Winston: Birds and the bees! [laughs]
Van Bishop: Come on, now. My boy!

Jess: Hey, Aly. What are you doing out of bed?
Aly: I heard a man's voice and wanted to know if you were cheating on Nick in the bedroom of my future child.
Jess: [chuckles] Well, big news: I found Winston's dad. In there.
Aly: That's not Winston's dad.
Jess: What?
Aly: I saw his picture on the database at the station. I know this. That's not him!
Jess: Huh.

Cece: Hi, honey. I am so sorry. You must be hungry. Right? No worries, 'cause Uncle Nick has your sandwich.
Nick: I do. I have your sandwich. Here you go.
Ruth: You ate it.
Nick: The truth is I sat on it. [chuckles] Maybe I took a bite. I took a couple bites. I ate a lot of it.
Cece: You know what? It gonna be... Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. She is going full armadillo. I need my phone. Give me my phone.
Nick: Well, I'm her godfather. I'm not a fisherman's vest.
Cece: No. What you are is the human equivalent of the crack between two couch cushions.

Van Bishop: So, anyway, I'm on the back of a Jet Ski with Cornel West.
Winston: Mm-hmm.
Van Bishop: And he tells me, "Hey, you're leaning too far to the left." I said, "No, you leaning too far to the left."
Winston: Oh! [both laugh] I see what you did. I see it.

Nick: All right, Ruth, let's find something to play with inside this, uh, pillowcase of crap your future godfather brought you.
Cece: Oh, God. Okay.
Nick: There's this thing.
Cece: Put that down.
Nick: Yeah, put that down right there. Look at this! We got an old beeper. You can pretend to be a-a doctor, or a late '90s drug dealer.
Ruth: What's a drug dealer?
Cece: Don't give her that.
Nick: Gah, Ma, stop being such a narc.

Schmidt: Okay, thank God you're alive.
Cece: Of course we're alive. What are you doing here?
Schmidt: I went to the school; Ruth wasn't there. They told me a white man tried to hop the fence, and some man named Brian answered your phone.