Nick: You see, that's when the-the Chicago Cubs won the World Series, and, uh, all the players signed it. I need you to just be careful, 'cause it's worth a lot of money. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't...
Cece: Did Nick fix our child?
Nick: What are you doing?
Ruth: Just making it pretty.
Nick: You're ruining it.
Ruth: Your face ruined it! You're a dumb raccoon.
Cece: Accurate.
Nick: Oh. As a godfather, I got to push through that.

Winston: Jess, is he not my dad?
Van Bishop: Is he not my son?
Jess: Before I answer that, I want you guys to know I had an accomplice in this, and her name is Google.
Winston: Maybe I'm a little confused here. I called you "Dad," you called me "son" for hours. I sat on your lap. [whispers] We ate pistachios together.
Van Bishop: I love pistachios. She told me that you were my son, and I believed her. I mean, you could be. The '80s were a blur. And I toured the country in a Van Morrison cover band.
Jess: You did? Did you play the Portland Rec Center?
Van Bishop: Oh, maybe. [laughs] It was a wild time back then. [chuckles, sighs] [sings] Hide behind a rainbow wall Slipping and sliding all along The waterfall with you
Winston: My brown-eyed girl
Van Bishop: You are my
Both: Brown-eyed girl

Schmidt: Mr. Yukimura, uh, I apologize.
Mr. Yukimura: Sell me some salsa.
Schmidt: Okay, here we go. Well, what do we know about salsa? We know that it's a gift... [phone chirping] .. from another culture. [phone continues chirping]
Kim: Schmidt?! [hisses] Are you with us?
Schmidt: Yes. Uh, it's just... You don't know how important salsa is until it's gone. You keep it in the back of your fridge, taking for granted that it'll be there. But once it's gone, you realize you can't go a single day without it. Señor Cha Cha's Salsa: the salsa that belongs in the front of your fridge.
Mr. Yukimura: Sure. Throw in a dragon with a sombrero and I'm in. Great job.

Aly: Her heart was in the right place.
Jess: It was, and should I have let a strange man in the house? No! Will it take a very long time for you to forgive me? Yes. Years. [Winston scoffs] Okay. I get it. I'll go. Um... I think this belongs to Leslie now. For what it's worth, you are more prepared to be a father than anyone I know, and that includes Schmidt. And look, you'll have good days and bad days. But you'll never be alone. And just remember, you don't have to have had a dad to be a great dad.
Winston: [sighs] Here.
Jess: Thank you. I won't let you down. And you know what your mom looks like, so I'm never gonna present you with a fake mom...
Winston: Mm.
Jess: I'll stop.
Aly: Too soon.

Van Bishop: Hey, family, I've been sitting on the curb the last two hours, thinking. Look, I know I'm not your real dad, but a part of me wishes I was. You know, you're a hell of a kid. So if you ever need somebody to play catch with you, or give you the real deal when you step out of line, give me a call.
Winston: Nah, dawg. I'm good.
Van Bishop: That makes sense.

Cece: Am I still wearing makeup?
Schmidt: You look like my grandmother right before she went insane.
Cece: Good, great.
Schmidt: I'm sorry I went overboard with the binders before.
Cece: No, no. I'm sorry. I honestly don't know how you do this every single day. How was work?
Schmidt: Frickin' crushed it.
Cece: Oh, great.
Schmidt: And I think I want to quit.
Cece: What? Really?
Schmidt: I just kept wishing that I was here, taking care of Ruth. It's the best job I've ever had. What would you think if... I was home full-time?
Cece: I think that anything that makes you happy and keeps those binders away from me, that's what you should do.