Schmidt: I actually have to step out for just a second. You know, in preparation for this meeting, I ate an entire jar of salsa, and it is... [whistles] sliding right through me.

Winston: No, no, no, no. He just got here. You know, I want to talk about the old days in Chicago.
Van Bishop: Never been there. Garbage city.
Winston: Yeah, it has its bad parts, but, you know, the education system is getting... Wait. You've never been there?
Van Bishop: Never been there.
Jess: You know what? I totally know what he means, because I feel like sometimes I've never been to L.A., and I live here. You know what I mean? Like, ask me where the ocean is. "Uh, to the left?" I don't know. Should we hit the road?
Winston: Jess? What's going on?

Schmidt: Ooh, that's work. I got to go back.
Ruth: What about spa time? I need to zap my frown lines.
Schmidt: Oh. Uh, honey. You know what, honey? We can do pretend Botox on another day, okay?
Ruth: Why?
Schmidt: Because Daddy has to go sell a Mexican product to Americans so that Japanese people can make money.

Schmidt: Can you two please tell us why you summoned us here?
Winston: Thank you for coming. It is appreciated, especially since Aly is on bed rest. We brought you here today to choose a godparent.
Jess: Oh, yes! Sorry. I'm sorry. Carry on.
Winston: Now, on my side, we have my entire network of good friends. Friends so close, I consider them family.
Aly: And on my side, we have Leslie.
Leslie: I'm all she's got.

Winston: Cece, we didn't choose you either. Reason being is your friendship is too important to ruin by making you our baby's godmother.
Cece: Mm-hmm. Why do I feel like your lips are moving but Aly's doing the talking?
Winston: [whispers] Sorry.

Winston: Nick?
Nick: I got a good feeling about this.
Aly: Face the wall.
Nick: Ooh. This ain't over.

Winston: Leslie, you may face the wall.
Leslie: Ha-ha-ha! Suck it, bitch!
Jess: Leslie, you lost.
Leslie: [grunts]
Aly: Leslie is confused.
Winston: And now the moment of truth. Jessica Day, will you be our baby's godmother?
Jess: Yes, I will. Why is Leslie still dancing?
Aly: Leslie.

Aly: Jess, can you stay back for a moment?
Jess: Yeah. You chose wisely. I will revolutionize being a godparent. Your son will be my Cinderell... o.
Winston: We'll be reviewing your performance weekly. You can be replaced.
Jess: Heavy is the head that holds the crown, but strong are the neck muscles that hold up said head.
Aly: Ooh.
[After Jess leaves, Aly puts a cigarette in her mouth and Winston pulls out a lighter. Jess returns]
Jess: Cigarette! [takes cigarette, snaps it in two]
Aly and Winston: Well done.

Jess: Whew! You know what's crazy is you're gonna be a father any day now.
Winston: Yeah, it kind of snuck up on me.
Jess: Yeah, you better get ready, 'cause you're gonna get on the Dad Train soon. [chugging] Dad-dad! [chugging] "No getting off this train." You okay?
Winston: Oh, yeah, I'm good. [chuckles] I'm good.

Cece: Oh, my God!
Nick: What, are we having a laundry party?
Cece: What is that?!
Nick: This? It's just a bear I found outside the loft. Yeah, I brought it for my girl Ruth.
Cece: Well, she's at school right now, and I have 15 binders worth of stuff to do that Schmidt has left for me before I go pick her up.
Nick: Oh, that's perfect. I'll just pick her up. I'll pick her up from school.
Cece: I don't need your help picking up my daughter from school. Okay?
Nick: All right, well, would you please tell her that I left this bear for her so she knows it was from me?
Cece: Mm-mm.
Nick: Ugh.
Cece: What?
Nick: There's ants all over its neck.
Cece: What?
Nick: Oh! There's more ants. Every time it gets hit, more ants come out.