Winston: Yolanda Winston. Schmidt, that's a fake name.
Schmidt: Yeah, but why would he lie about... Oh, my God.
Winston: Nick is a male escort.
Schmidt: Jess...
Winston: Probably not a... Yeah.
Schmidt: Jess, man.

Nick: Hey, Jess.
Jess: Hey.
Nick: What are you doing over there by the hot dogs?
Jess: You gave me the address, I just assumed we were eating at the hot dog stand.
Nick: No...
Jess: Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or something?
Nick: No, I'm, uh... [spins around] I'm wearing Schmidt.
Jess: You're wear... you're wearing what?
Nick: I'm wearing Schmidt, uh... Winston shaved my face.
Jess: [laughs] Weird.

Cop: Hi, there, sir. Afraid, uh, you apparently didn't see the crosswalk was over there.
Nick: Oh, let's not sweat the small stuff, officer. I'm walking across the street.
Cop: Afraid I'm gonna have to write you up for jaywalking.
Jess: Stay calm, make tiny fists with your toes.
Cop: I'm really sorry about this.
Nick: Jess, I'm not upset. This man is merely doing his job. You were right, I was wrong.
Cop: Here you go, sir.
Nick: Thank you, officer. $340?!
Cop: Yeah, I know it's a lot. They raised it last year, I think. Have a good night, ma'am.
Nick: All right, just scram.
Cop: You too, sir.
Nick: Dinner?

Jess: Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question?
Nick: What's on your mind?
Jess: Well, I'm just asking... if this is a date.
Nick: What do you mean, "is this a date?"
Jess: I'm just... I'm asking you if this is a date. It seems like a date.
Nick: You've been thinking it's a date this whole time?
Jess: I'm just asking you.
Nick: How embarrassing for you. No, for me, it's just hanging out in a suit, getting champagne with my friend. [grunts] I think we're ready to order.

Russell: Hi, so this is why you dumped me, huh?
Jess: Oh, well...
Nick: No...
Russell: Just kidding. I'm glad to see this is finally happening.
Nick: Nothing's happening, so...
Jess: Nothing's happening because I was never told it was happening, so if a happening happens and you don't know that it happened, did it happen, you know?
Russell: Right on.

Nick: Why isn't the crosswalk here?
Jess: Just let it out. Just let it out.
Nick: This is where people want to cross, sir.

Nick: We don't need our table. We're sitting at the bar. Not a date.
Jess: Your table's all yours ... not on a date.

Schmidt: I think we're doing too much brainstorming and not enough good old-fashioned remembering. What's the worst thing that you've ever experienced on a date?
[flashback to Winston and his date seated at an outdoor table:]
Street Musician: [sings] I will be your father figure put your tiny hand in mine I will be your preacher teacher Anything you have in mind I will be your father figure I have had enough of crime I will be the one who loves you Till the end of time.

Schmidt: Outside Dave, my friend Winston here holds in his hands the lyrics to sir George Michael's "Father Figure."
Outside Dave: I'm familiar.
Schmidt: What's it gonna take for you to lose the shirt and go ruin a date for us? We're willing to pay you handsomely.
Outside Dave: Four million U.S. dollars and a trip to wine country.
Schmidt: [quietly to Winston] I don't have $4 million. All right, give him that.
Winston: I'll tell you what. 25 minutes of TV time and two home-cooked sandwiches.
Outside Dave: One home-cooked sandwich.
Winston: Deal.
Schmidt: Yeah, deal.

Jess: To their credit, they don't go around randomly grabbing each other's boobs. That we know of.
Nick: Randomly? Oh, no way. You put it out there, Jess.
Jess: What?
Nick: Yes, you do.
Jess: I do not put it out there.
Nick: "Hey, Nick, will you help me open this jar?"
Jess: What?
Nick: Yes.
Jess: I can't open the jar.
Nick: "How do you restart the Internet?"
Jess: That's just me suffering through life.
Nick: You have to stop, because it's ridiculously hot. Okay? It's... hard for me to deal with, 'cause it's too hot.