Jess: All right, fine. Then you have to stop gargling your beer.
Nick: That's a turn-on?
Jess: It's hot. [gargles]
Nick: That is so weird, that that's a turn-on.
Jess: You're like... Might as well be in, like, a... like a hose, spraying you down.
Nick: You are out of your mind.

Jess: Guys, so sorry. Curveball. We need the table back.
Nick: We are on a date.
Jess: We are on a date.
Nick: Amazing. Hey, Marc, could you clear the table but leave the breadsticks?
Jess: Actually, don't clear the table, 'cause that looks good.
Nick: Could you clear the fish?

Jess: I don't want to be too forward, but... whatever baby wants, baby gets. Daddy's buying.
Nick: Well, look, you keep buying my drinks, I'll put out no matter what you say.
Jess: Ooh.
Nick: I guess the good ones aren't all married or gay.
Jess: How many have we had?
Nick: Ooh!

Jess: Hey, Russell! Nice to see you! Date's going really well.
Russell: That's... that's great news. Really, really nice to see you guys.
Nick: Yeah.
Russell: You two are... really something. [exits]
Jess: "Really something." What does that mean?
Nick: Hmm.
Jess: You know, we're having a great date.
Nick: Right?
Jess: Who cares what he thinks?
Nick: Who cares what he says?
Jess: I don't... agree.

Jess: Hey, you said we were "really something..." and we want to know what that means.
Nick: What does that mean? Yeah.
Russell: This may come as a shock, but I have no opinion about you two.
Nick: Did you valet? God, that is classy.

Outside Dave: [o.s.] Hair sauce!
Schmidt: Hair sauce? Oh, my God.
Outside Dave: Mmm, feels like mud.
Schmidt: If he even looks at my pomade caddy, I will turn every hobo in the city against him. I will poison every pie on every windowsill.
Winston: He doesn't steal pies from windowsills. He is a real-life homeless person. We need to call the cops.

Schmidt: Shh. What is that?
Outside Dave: [o.s.] Time to cut the grass.
Schmidt: He's using my four-in-one groomer. I'm going in there.
Winston: No! Schmidt! Absolutely not!
Schmidt: I'm going in there, man. You hear that? Because that... that is not the fourth use. There's no sanctioned fifth use!
Winston: Hey, Schmidt! Schmidt! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
Schmidt: He's using it for a fifth use!

Jess: Nick, I need to know how you feel. What did you write on that card?
Nick: Well, what did you write on your card? Let's say it at the same time on the count of three.
Jess: One, two, three... [silence] Okay. From now on, no funny business. We do middle school dance rules. Three feet on the floor, no body hugs.
Nick: Is that what you want?
Jess: Yeah.

Schmidt: You just saved my life.
Winston: Anything, man, as long as you're okay. You're okay?
Schmidt: Well, I don't know. You break that whole thing down, there was... A homeless man was just shaving my leg.
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: Hey, man. Winston and Schmidt.
Winston: Winston and Schmidt.
Schmidt: All right!