Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, nothing? Damn it! I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day.
Jess: Eww! You have the door open, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm over myself ... I just don't do it for me anymore. I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants to spice things up ... didn't happen. I just laid there. You know what? That's it. Tonight, I start having sex again. Now, are you two gonna join me?

Cece: Oh, my best friend has texted me, like, 12 times.
Shivrang: I get it ... you're just trying to get out of the date.
Cece: No, no, no ... no, this is real.
Shivrang: It's the kids thing. I knew it.
Cece: Some psycho keeps scratching at her door and then running away. She's pretty sure it's the Calabasas Scratcher. I mean, is that a thing?
Shivrang: What?
Cece: I don't keep up with local news.

Nick: Look how handsome I look.
Jess: That is a woman's coat.
Nick: This coat has clean lines... and pockets that don't quit.
Jess: And it has room for your hips.
Nick: And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.
Jess: You're wearing a dress.
Winston: Yeah, don't say "hot to trot."
Nick: My coat makes me say things like that.

Jess: Hey, guys. Guess what? Sam has the late shift and Cece's on a date with some Indian guy, so world's best wing-woman reporting for duty.
Nick: Jess, you can't come.
Jess: What?
Nick: Look, I actually want to get girls tonight. You're my cooler.
Jess: What? All I do is help you get laid, Nick.
[flashback:]
Jess: Maureen, did you have one very special long-time love?
Maureen: Yes.
Jess: You should be with him. [Maureen gets up and leaves]
[present:]
Jess: I'm not your cooler.
Nick: It's not you. It's the way that you behave. And the things that you say. And the look on your face. And... It is you. You're the cooler.

Schmidt: The only reason I'm out tonight is to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.
Nick: That's not true. I'm not gonna... Shut up, Schmidt.
Holly: I mean, I could take care of you, if you wanted.
Schmidt: You can what?
Holly: I love sad guys and you seem sadder than most.
Nick: I think your plan sounds okay.
Holly: When you go home at night, do you look in the mirror and just think, "I am the worst"?
Nick: Actually yes, I do.
Holly: Yeah?
Nick: Yeah, a lot of the times.
Holly: You hate yourself?
Nick: I definitely don't like myself. It's right on the line of hate.

Nick: [on the phone] Uh, what is going on?
Jess: There's something at the door and you have to come home.
Nick: Cooler, Jess ... you are being a cooler right now.
Jess: Seriously, I think it might be gang related. I've always been worried about my blue curtains... Crips.
Nick: The Cri... Jess, I'm done!
Jess: Nick, I need you.

Jess: Okay, I understand how, in this instance, I might have cooled things off for you.
Nick: Thank you for admitting that.
Jess: I am prepared to fix it. 'Cause, son, I'm gonna get you laid.
Nick: Okay, it's not how it is and never call me "son" and don't talk like that.

Jess: The game is True American but with a sexy new twist, Clinton rules. Pick your interns.
Holly: I don't understand the game.
Nick: Uh, you're gonna be my intern.
Schmidt: It's okay, it's stripping.
Jess: It's not just stripping, it's sexy.
Holly: Okay, so what exactly are the rules?
Nick: The floor is lava, doves versus hawks.
Jess: The couch is the Mason-Dixon line.
Nick: We're not doing cabinets ... no cabinets.
Winston: No cabinet.
Schmidt: No cabinets.
Jess: One, two, three, four, JFK!
Guys: FDR!

Jess: Okay, we kissed. Let us out. Sent you a picture.
Winston: That ain't no kiss, man! Come on, Inspector Gadget, inspect those tonsils.

Schmidt: Holly, do you mind if I tell you a story?
Holly: Is it sad?
Nick: Holly, he's really happy! He's got a 401K and a six-pack!
Schmidt: Well, it's the tale of an uber successful marketing executive's journey...
Nick: I'm hairy and chubby!
Schmidt: ...into heartbreak. Her name was Cecelia.
Nick: No!