‘Coming Out’
Season 4, Episode 13 - Aired January 13, 2015
After Jess reveals her relationship with Ryan at school, her colleagues accuse her of favoritism over a field trip. Meanwhile, Schmidt's dedication to work harms his health, and Winston embraces a crystal his new co-workers forced him to wear.
Quote from Schmidt
Nick: Hey, uh, you're not going to work.
Schmidt: What are you talking...?
Nick: You're not going to work.
Schmidt: Yes, I'm going to work!
Nick: Sit down! Sit down!
Schmidt: Of course I'm going to work. Gina needs me. Besides, I like my stomach like I like my suits-- no lining.
Quote from Nick
Schmidt: I... I am letting go.
Nick: You're like a clenched fist, my man. Open up. You're in a 1920s boxing stance.
Schmidt: This is a waste of time!
Nick: You're not going to work!
Kai: I have a hyperactive nephew! We have to swaddle him!
Schmidt: Swaddle nothing! What? What are you doing?!
Nick: Swaddle him! Get him!
Schmidt: Got to get to work!
Nick: Shh. Shh. Shh. You relaxed?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: Okay, ready? You're gonna lay down.
Schmidt: All right, just for a minute.
Nick: [sings] Good night, Schmidty. [whispers to Kai:] Now do me.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Oh. Hey. I've been holding office hours all year, and this is the first time anyone's taken me up on it.
Deb: Ryan took you up on it, didn't he? [teachers gasp, laugh]
Jess: This is gonna be fine and, um, I'm going to address all of your problems one by one.
[later:]
Tough PE Teacher: It just ain't right.
Jess: Okay. "Ain't... right." Anything else?
Tough PE Teacher: It's not okay. "Not... okay."
Jess: What else?
Tough PE Teacher: I'm not all right with it.
Quote from Jess
Mrs. Raws: It's unscrupulous, Ms. Day. If you two are coming out, we are, too. Meet my boyfriend. [drinks whiskey]
Quote from Jess
Biology Teacher: So you like... teachers? I'd do whatever it takes to get my foliage trip off the ground. And now I know how things work around here. [unbuttons] You're not even my type, just so you know. Ba-da-da...
Jess: Don't do that.
Biology Teacher: I'd be way more into this if you had, like, a classic Latin build.
Jess: Okay, stop. Stop!
Biology Teacher: 'Cause I'm a ginger?
Jess: Just get out.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Well, you changed, too. You used to live by your own rules. You were like a fat, Jewish Dennis Rodman. But look at you now. You're like the back of a horse in a two-person horse costume with Gina just farting in your face all day long.
Schmidt: That actually happened.
Quote from Schmidt
Nick: Schmidt, tell me, what do you get for all your hard work?
Schmidt: The sponge account.
Nick: Oh, great!
Schmidt: God willing, it'll get me red potatoes, too. Sexiest starch since jasmine rice.
Nick: Great. I hope your work keeps making you walk around with your guts in a rusty old wagon.
Quote from Nick
Winston: Oh, hey, Nick. You're up early. Before noon. Oh, wait, is this Sleepwalk Nick? Man, I love Sleepwalk Nick. He always pays back the money that Awake Nick borrows from me.
Nick: Of course I'm up! I'm doing stuff. I do stuff. I clean. [off Winston's look] I'm cooking right now. I'm cooking breakfast. Sun's up, Miller's up. People say that.
Quote from Coach
Winston: Huh. Oh, hey, Coach. You're dressed like Ryan.
Coach: What? [Winston laughs] No, you see, I-I... I've had these clothes for forever, I just don't wear them when you're around.
Winston: You are dressed like Ryan!
Coach: Are you around me all the time? No.
Winston: Dressing up like someone else isn't going to work. Unlike this crystal.
Coach: Shut up.
Quote from Coach
Jess: See? I made the right decision. Kids need to be in nature. Emily Kopnik saw a butterfly and she said,
"Oh, my God, country lice can fly."
Coach: Oh, cool. Well, I'm sensitive and I care about things like that.