‘Coming Out’
Season 4, Episode 13 - Aired January 13, 2015
After Jess reveals her relationship with Ryan at school, her colleagues accuse her of favoritism over a field trip. Meanwhile, Schmidt's dedication to work harms his health, and Winston embraces a crystal his new co-workers forced him to wear.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: What in the hell is around your neck?
Winston: This? It's a crystal charm, man. Yeah, the guys at work gave it to me.
Schmidt: Why?
Winston: Technically, it's "hazing," but, uh, I secretly love it.
Schmidt: That is the kind of crystal that should only rest between a set of old bosoms. [yawps]
Winston: Did that sound just come from your body?
Schmidt: [yawps]
Quote from Nick
Nick: Hey!
Winston: Ha! Whoa, how long you two been here?
Nick: When was the last time you asked me that?
Winston: Last Thursday.
Nick: So, at least Thursday.
Schmidt: What kind of lazy... [yawps] holes... Don't you know what [yawps]-ing day it is? For crying out l... [yawps]
Kai: Glen, you should see a doctor.
Schmidt: My name is Schmidt. I can't afford to miss work.
Winston: I'm sorry, Glen, but I'm with Kai on this one.
Kai: Thanks, Wilfred.
Winston: You ain't good with names.
Nick: Oh, honey, you're all turned around.
Quote from Coach
Ryan: Wow. Wow, you did this for us.
Coach: No.
[flashback to Ryan bending over in the teachers' lounge:]
Ruth: I just want to pat it. I just want to, like, frickin' pat it.
Deb: I want to nurse it. Yeah, I want to provide it with milk.
Ruth: Huh.
Coach: I used to be the hot teacher.
Biology Teacher: Now you know how I felt when you turned up. A miserable path awaits you.
[present:]
Jess: So you want us to come out, so that you can go back to hooking up with all the hot teachers?
Coach: Very much so. But I'm thinking about you guys, too. I mean, wouldn't it be better if you didn't have to hide your relationship?
Quote from Coach
Jess: You know what? I think we should do this. I... we should do this, let's stop hiding.
Coach: Yeah.
Ryan: But, Jess, will this make things tricky for your work and will it in turn make you distracted and preoccupied during our splishy-splashy?
Jess: Ugh. No, no, of course not. I won't let it.
Ryan: Then let's do this.
Jess: Yeah, let's.
Coach: Yes! We are coming out!
Ryan: Cracking. I'm chuffed.
Coach: Dude, I do not get you.
Quote from Jess
Dr. Foster: I trust you, Miss Day. Mostly because I do not want to read this.
Jess: That's great! Yay.
Dr. Foster: [laughs] Well, I'm the easy one, dawg. Seriously, it's the teachers you need to worry about. Especially you. You tend to care what people think about you.
Jess: [chuckles] That's like saying a penguin "tends" to be cute. It's all it does, bro.
Dr. Foster: [chuckles] So, good luck when the teachers present their field trip proposals. If they catch a whiff of favoritism, they are going to tear you apart like... like a beautiful baguette, you know what I mean? When you-you're having dinner, and you just suddenly say, "Hey, forget the bread knife. Let's just rip into this with our bare hands." Ah, I love that.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Hey, what'd they say? What do you got? You can tell me, I can take it. I-I don't know if I can take it if... If you died, I'd be lost. J-Just tell me, I'll be there for you, I'm big and strong.
Kai: Is it cancer?
Schmidt: What's your problem?
Nick: Oh, Schmidty, you have cancer? I can't watch you go through cancer, buddy, you're not strong enough.
Schmidt: What is wrong with you?!
Quote from Coach
Jess: Before we begin our presentations, in the spirit of full disclosure and transparency, I have something to tell you. Mr. Geauxinue and I are dating.
Deb: No, n-n-n-no. [Ruth laughs] No, I just felt someone pass over my grave.
Ruth: Right.
Mrs. Raws: I don't see a ring.
Ruth: This is a total joke. Oh, you're joking. There's none scenarios that this is possible.
Coach: Ladies, I know you're upset, but you know what I do when I'm upset? I hook up with me.
Quote from Coach
Coach: Take a trip to historical Coach-town. Lunch will be provided.
Mrs. Raws: I don't eat yesterday's bread.
Coach: Yes, you do.
Jess: Is there a field trip in here somewhere?
Quote from Jess
Biology Teacher: I want to take the children on an interactive nature "experience." Very hands-on. With, uh, "foll-ahge..." "foil-iag-ee..."
Jess: Not bad. Um, I'd be a lot more into it if you could pronounce "foliage."
Biology Teacher: I messed it up! I can't do anything!
Quote from Jess
Ryan: So I've arranged for our students to speak to astronauts at the space station, uh, via Russian translator. And, as an added surprise, actually get to operate the Mars rover. You see, this is "Mission to Mars: Field Trip to Another World."
Jess: Okay, then. Well, you all had great presentations, but I'm sure no one can accuse me of favoritism when I choose Mr. G's proposal, which was so, so, so clearly the best one. [Mrs. Raws boos]
Ruth: What does space have? You can't even walk on the ground. You obviously picked it because he's your frickin' boyfriend.
Jess: Well...
Biology Teacher: I see how it is. My butt isn't cute enough. Should I call my ma and blame her for passing
on her wide flat ass? [imitates dialing phone] Hello, Ma? I'm not calling about that. Just listen. I said, just listen. It's about my butt. Should I continue?
Jess: I'm gonna say no.
Ruth: You won't frickin' get away with this.
Mrs. Raws: Eat glass and die, you tramp!
Jess: Mrs. Raws!