Jess: You're not just having the kids, uh, rake the leaves and put them in a bag, are you?
Biology Teacher: What now?
Jess: I mean, uh, what else do you have planned?
Biology Teacher: Oh, don't worry about it. I'm a biology professional.

Gina: So, how's that phantom ulcer treating you?
Schmidt: I sent you those Q4 reports... Horrible burning!
Gina: Well, I'm glad you're back. See? Look how glad I am.
Schmidt: Gina, let me run point on red potatoes. I've got three pitches already ready to rock. Here's a taste. That's the first one. That's the first pitch. "Here's a taste." It's just a picture of a red potato, and the tagline is: "Here's a... here's a taste."
Gina: There's that New York sense of humor again, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Come on, Gina. Give me a shot at red potatoes.
Gina: No way, 'cause I need you. You're the best sort of mid-level employee I've ever had. You are the ass to my horse. And I'm gonna keep you right here, right by my side, where I can find you. Forever.
Schmidt: Forever?
Gina: Yeah, speaking of, might need you to suit up for my son's birthday this Saturday, so... [takes pills] What are these? Doesn't matter. Keep your phone on, okay?

Coach: You know, sometimes I think about life, and it just makes me want to cry. Respond to my sharing, please.
Ruth: You're putting on a real creepy, murdery vibe today. Just FYI.
Coach: I'm not trying to do that. I was...
Ruth: Just, like, going forward in your day, you should know that.
Coach: Just trying to be, like, feeling...

Jess: What's going on?
Ruth: I think they might just be doing frickin' yard work.
Kids: [sing] I don't know What I been told I don't know what I been told...
Coach: Whoa.
Kids: [sing] Foster's butt is mighty old Foster's butt is mighty old...
Jess: Oh, we are violating every child labor law.
Ruth: They're really good singers.
Biology Teacher: [o.s.] Keep up the rhythm. Mama won't be happy till you clear the back forty.

Jess: Biology teacher? Is this your house? Did you bring the kids here to work?
Biology Teacher: First of all, my name is Lorenzo. Secondly, yes. But you're the one who picked my trip, so it's your fault.
Boy: Can I have some water?
Jess: Okay, guys, stop working.
Biology Teacher: Don't listen to her. Keep working.
Jess: You don't have to work. I'm the vice principal.
Biology Teacher: Not technically at school, so keep working.
Jess: Stop working!

Coach: Ah, screw it. Here comes me. I sting, too, bees.

Cece: Seems like it was a great field trip. So sorry I missed it.
Coach: I feel like a bunch of tiny people are holding tiny little lighters to my face. [groans loudly]

Jess: Today was a complete and total disaster, from start to finish. I've never failed so hardat my job ever in my life. Everyone's so mad at me, but I was just trying to make them happy.
Cece: Jess, you can't make everyone happy.
Coach: You don't need them to like you. You just need them to listen to you. You're the boss.
Cece: Yeah. I mean, if you were a man dating someone at work, do you think that you would be worried about what everyone else was thinking?
Coach: You'd be, like, in the conference room, like, "Meeting adjourned. Except for you, Sheila."
Jess: But that's not me. I care what people think. I always have.
Cece: Then your only option is to go in and be yourself. Just got to own it.
Jess: I think I'm a little scared.
Winston: Well, that's very interesting. You see...
Jess: Have you been here this whole time?
Winston: The entire time. That is why God... made crystals.
Coach: Why did he make that shirt?

Schmidt: Okay, you know what? You were right, Nick. I am a corporate monkey. I don't want to be an old man looking back on a meager life of... selling red potatoes for the man.
Nick: I don't want to be a lazy bum my whole life. I want to be the kind of bum that other bums look at and say, "What's that bum smiling about?"

Both: Let's work together again!
Schmidt: Yes! I knew it! That was awesome!
Nick: That was it, man. That was it.
Schmidt: Back in business.
Nick: [laughs] Yeah! Let's start jamming ideas.
Schmidt: Turkey.
Nick: Robot. Turkey robot. Just got it in one. All right, let's draw up a...
Schmidt: I don't think we did.