Schmidt: We're not the only ones looking for him. So's the FBI.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Yeah, he's a criminal.
Jess: No. Oh, my God. Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins? Wanted for 53 counts of embezzlement.
Coach: Sounds like the math took.
Jess: Screw me. Like, I Maybe I wasn't even reaching the kids at all.

Nick: Okay, you know what? Miller up.
Jess: Excuse me?
Nick: That's just like "fill 'er up," but with "Miller."
Jess: Don't.
Nick: 'Cause I'm about to fill you up.
Jess: No, that's gross.
Nick: With my stories.
Jess: Oh, please don't. That's disgusting.
Nick: What's disgusting about it?

Nick: My first year of law school, I made an important discovery.
[flashback:]
Professor: Look left. Look right. Next year, one of you will be gone.
Nick: [to a womanl] What a cliche, huh? Oh, you wrote that down.
Man: You'll be gone. I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be right here.
Nick: Take it easy, guy to my right.
Nick: [v.o.] I discovered that I hated being around these people. But second year, I made another discovery. I hated being around myself. So my third year, I wanted to find a place where I belonged. Where I could look to my left or look to my right and like what I saw.
[present:]
Schmidt: Love you in that scarf. Why don't you wear scarves anymore?
Nick: That place? Perhaps you guessed it: This very bar.
Winston: Get out of town. What a twist.

Jess: Tell me what to do. And don't tell me to ask the guys, because I already tried that. And also, don't tell me to think about my first student, Clifton.
Cece: Okay, no, wait. Your first student was not Clifton.
Coach: [answers Jess's phone] Lady, she's still got one minute. [hangs up] That was a butt dial from your mother. She is up to no good.

Jess: Good morning, everybody. Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics. Turn in your equations, and you will get a frog. Dissect carefully, because inside the frog is the name of the city council member who you will be e-mailing to restart construction.
Dr. Foster: Ms. Day?
Jess: Yes.
Dr. Foster: I thought this was gonna be a disaster. But thanks to you, I can go upstairs to the big boys and tell them they can always depend on Dr. Alan Foster. [exits]
Jess: Yeah.
Biology Teacher: Please take his job, I'm begging you. I'd do it myself, but I'd never pass the psych test.

Jess: So I figure if Foster can be a principal, then why can't I be a principal?
Nick: That's great.
Schmidt: I don't see why not.
Jess: Thank you.
Nick: Well then you could take me to the principal's office and punish me for being tardy, and-
Schmidt: You know we're right here, right?
Nick: Just lift up my britches and-
Jess: We'll talk about it later.
Nick: Okay. Very nice.
Jess: We'll do it in my office.
Nick: After I fill up my juice box.