Nick: What's wrong with her? Does she have a hunchback?
Winston: Dwarf parts?
Nick: Lovitz body?
Schmidt: She happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman.
Nick: She another one of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?
Winston: How big are her knuckles?
Nick: Butter body?
Jess: She has a Hitler moustache. [silence] I'm sorry, just, like, I want to banter with you guys in the morning. I just, like, panicked, and I made a Hitler joke.

Nick: Julia sent me a cactus. She's on a business trip to China, and she sent it to me out of the blue. I'm not an idiot. She's gonna break up with me.
Winston: Who told you that? Did the cactus tell you that? Is this one of those fortune-telling cactuses...

Nick: Any idiot can take care of a cactus, Winston. She thinks I'm an idiot.
Jess: Why are you watering a cactus?
Nick: Because I'm an idiot.
Winston: Julia sent him a cactus, which means she's gonna break up with him.
Jess: [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke because otherwise that would be totally stupid and insane. Snap out of it, son.
Nick: Jess, you don't get it. This cactus is like a symbol of my relationship with her. [drops it]
Jess: Oh. Oh, my God.
Nick: I'm not gonna quit on this. I'm gonna get her back.

Jess: But don't tell me music can't make a difference, 'cause it can. Those kids were videotaping me on their cell phones.
Winston: Right.
Jess: I think these kids are gonna really remember that. Yeah, um, You know, this day.
Winston: [grabbing a laptop] What's the song called?
Jess: Um, "Sad Sparrow [Imagine A World Without Bullies]", why?

Nick: Well, at least the bully's not making fun of that kid any more.
Jess: They're making fun of me.
Winston: The hawk just took a little poop on you.
Nick: I'm not proud of myself for saying this, but it's a really funny video.

Schmidt: Why can't we just go upstairs for a little Schmidt and Spin?
Cece: You just said that everybody's upstairs in the living room.
Schmidt: Okay, fine, what about your place?
Cece: My place is not an option right now. All the models are there. It's 12 models in two rooms. It's like a room full of hungry Russians.
Schmidt: Uh, yes, please, let's go there.

Jess: So, Brianna, I saw the robot arm in the user profile, so I know you made that video. So I thought we could sit and talk for a minute. [Brianna knocks Jess's flask of the desk with the robot arm] Look, Brianna, I know you're better than this. Can we talk about you for a few minutes?
Brianna: Can we talk about you instead?
Jess: I'm an open book. Ask me anything.
Brianna: How come you don't have a boyfriend? And why did Mr. Genzlinger dump you? And is it true that your boyfriend before that cheated on you? Are you barren, Miss Day? And why is your voice so deep like a man's?
Jess: It's no... it's not.
Brianna: Your happiness seems like a mask. Well, I better go.
[After Brianna walks away, an angry Jess grabs the head off Brianna's robot arm]
Jess: What have I done?

Nick: Look, I got in my head, Julia, I thought you sent me this cactus because you were trying to tell me that I can't take care of a normal plant. Which, when I think about it, I probably can't. Plants freak me out. I'm way better with babies, actually. Hmm. Not that I want to have, like, a baby with you, like, right now. I can see us having babies.
Julia: Please, can we not...
Nick: I know, that's not what I mean to say.

Julia: I think we should break up. I do. I mean, I didn't realize it when I sent it... but then after listening to the seven...
Nick: Yeah, I know.
Julia: Seven, Nick.
Nick: Seven, yeah.
Julia: Separate voice mails about the meaning behind the cactus, I don't know, it really just clicked in for me, and I just, I don't think that we should do this any more. I'm really sorry.
Nick: [long pause] So I was right about the cactus.

Winston: [on the phone] Okay, what kind of crazy person destroys a child's robot?
Jess: Can you bring me, like, a bunch of Phillips head screwdrivers and, like, a Crescent wrench and, like, other tool things?
Winston: What if I'm busy?
Jess: [laughs] Thank you, Winston. I really needed that. It's been a really hard week.