Winston: So, how hard are you gonna drop the hammer on the kid who did this?
Schmidt: I'm gonna find this kid, and I'm just gonna... open up a dialogue.
Winston: Not gonna work. Take it from me, I used to be a bully.
[flashback to Winston purple-nurpling a fellow classmate:]
Boy: Ow!
Young Winston: Brown lightning!
[present:]
Jess: Wow, you had a catchphrase?
Winston: Yeah. You got to hit them where it hurts.

Jess: Thank you, Winston, but I have a different approach.
[flashback:]
Young Jess: Jerk-sica? My last name rhymes with "gay," and the best thing you can think of is Jerk-sica?
[present:]
Jess: Reason.

Jess: I hope it works. I didn't get a chance to test it.
Winston: Even broken, it's still got a shot at top prize. I mean, have you seen some of this crap? "What can old people do?" "Does it taste better with hot sauce?"

Nick: My friends. Guess what I just learned. What's inside of a pumpkin. Apparently, a lot. I didn't know.

Nick: No! No! Wonderful. Hey, no. No. Why can't we all just love each other, right?
Jess: What are you doing?
Nick: Want a science project? How about this as a science project: love is a myth. Why is this Earth so big and I am so small? So, yay, Earth. Be optimistic? Learn? We're all gonna die alone, so...

Schmidt: You really don't want to be seen having breakfast with me, do you? Are we even still in L.A.?
Cece: Schmidt, you and I are not together. We're not in a relationship. We're just having sex.
Schmidt: And I love it.
Cece: And I'm not gonna be a prize that you get to show off. Look, guys are always just showing me off, and I hate it.
Jess: Look, I... I want to tell people because I think that you are the dopest, flyest...smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman that I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time.
Cece: Do you want to tell the waitress?
Schmidt: Uh, if I could have everyone's attention. Real quick, if you could, uh... Hey, guys, call a time-out to whatever-whatever-whatever that thing is. Okay, great. I am having sex with this woman right here. You want to stand up?
Cece: No.
Schmidt: Okay, you don't want to do it? All right, great. I'm enjoying myself im-immensely. Uh, it's, you know, a physical thing, but I am definitely, for real having sex with this girl right here, to completion. Parkour! Hit it! Down! Hit it! Down! Hit it!

Cece: What about just a little good, old-fashioned car sex?
Schmidt: I can't do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body. I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience, Cece.
Cece: Okay, are we gonna do this, or not? 'Cause I kind of need this to happen right now, okay? Isn't there, like, a Starbucks bathroom around here or something we could use?
Schmidt: What do I look like, a Gypsy courtesan?

Schmidt: Here? You want to do it here? Okay... all right. What's the scenario? We enter separately, pretending to be strangers meeting in the bathroom. You want me on the can, off the can?
Cece: No, I just, I just need to pop in this party for, like, 20 minutes. When I come back, we'll have sex.
Schmidt: Okay, yeah, let's do it. [unbuttons seat belt]
Cece: Oh, no. Um, I'm going in there alone.
Schmidt: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Cece: I'll crack a window for you.
Schmidt: Crack a window for me?
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: What am I, your sex dog? What... what if I have to go to the bathroom? Why don't you just give me a chew toy.

Schmidt: [chuckles] L'Chaim. To humping. I was like a river. Did you feel that? Did you feel me sweeping you along with the current of my body? You were like a canoe on my body river. [chuckles] Like you'd ever be seaworthy with those breasts. [chuckles] Boobies.
Cece: I wish there was a word that meant complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing.
Schmidt: I've never seen a woman bite her own shoulder before.
Cece: That was the last time.
Schmidt: You said that twice last night. You'll be back. I'm like your black tar heroin. You just need that sweet taste in your veins. Schmidttle and the damage done. Neil Young, yo.
Cece: Just get me out of here without someone seeing.

Cece: I don't hear anyone out there. I think I'm safe. And I-I want you to know, that was the last time, okay? This is over.
Schmidt: But we haven't even gotten to the cheese course. A little sharp aged cheddar? Mm-hmm. Manchego? Maybe some buttery Gruyère? You sure you want to miss out? I just want to... slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.
Cece: What are you even saying?
Schmidt: How about a little stinky Taleggio?
Cece: Why is this working? I am so turned on right now.
Schmidt: Or maybe some cream cheese? Want some schmear, Cece? You know what? Cece, you should go. Because if you have the strength to turn all this down, do it.
Cece: Yeah, I'm good.