Schmidt: Cece, I'm begging you, just cancel the appointment and reschedule it for when Jess comes back.
Cece: There is a six-month waiting list. Do you not want us to get married in June?
Schmidt: Oh, no, I want to get married in August, so I can walk down the aisle covered in flies.
Cece: You're so concerned about these flies.

Schmidt: Regular Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, these two.

Nick: This is how it starts. There's three stages to a Miller asking for money: okay, it's compliments, it's ply with food, and then it's go in for the kill.

Nick: You're trying to give me popcorn so that I give you money! It's not gonna happen! I'm not giving you money! I'm setting boundaries!
Carol: Oh, Nicky, we don't want your money.
Nick: You don't?
Carol: No!
Bob: No, no. We want your sperm.
Nick: What?
Carol: Yeah, we're trying to start a family, and Bob's army's down. I need your troops to storm my beaches.
Nick: S-So no money?
Carol: No.
Nick: Just sperm?
Bob: Yep. Don't tell anybody, all right?
Nick: Guys, this is excellent. I got a lot of that. If I had a dollar for every sperm, my room would be covered in dollar bills.

Cece: Do you mind if I just take one minute to think about it?
Winston: Pass. Pass. Pass. [drops bag] Pass.
Cece: Winston, I just asked you to drop me off.
Cynthia: Sir, what is your role here?
Winston: I am her friend. My job is to protect her, so, please, cut the caca, and bring us some dresses with an A-line cut. [whispers to Cece] I may or may not have done an extensive amount of research on wedding dresses.
Cece: I never thought that I would say this, but I am really glad that you're here.
Cynthia: So you're gonna take his word over my word?
Winston: [whistle blows]

Schmidt: Nick, you've been doing so well lately.
Nick: Thank you.
Schmidt: Right on track with the plan.
Nick: My... What plan? What are you talking about?
Schmidt: I-I may have your entire life planned out on my computer. I made a spreadsheet and everything. I worked on it this morning.
Nick: You-You've got to be kidding me.
Schmidt: I don't... It's not...
Nick: "Nick's Life Plan"? What is that?!
Schmidt: I'm just trying to keep you on track, Nick. Look, we've always done everything together, and I'm just worried that we're gonna drift apart. You know, I'm gonna get married and have kids, and you're gonna be wandering around the grocery store, holding a bottle of Scotch and an ear of corn.

Bob: This really means a lot to me, man. I'm sorry I couldn't do it myself. Yeah, you know what I think it was? One time, I got stung in the penis five different times by five different bees five days in a row.
Schmidt: What were you doing that your naked penis was exposed to bumblebees?
Carol: Why is he here?
Schmidt: [to Nick] You know, even though I don't approve of this, I would never, ever leave you in your time of need.

Nick: Well, you got in my head. You got in my head. Why'd you have to tell me about the plan, Schmidt? Now I need to know what happens. Why am I not supposed to have a baby this way?
Schmidt: As I saw it, your first child was to be born between you and a small Italian woman.
Nick: Like a Maria?
Schmidt: Yes, like a Maria.
Nick: Okay.
Schmidt: She makes meatballs and soup, and does laundry in a wooden bucket.
Nick: Yeah, she does.
Schmidt: You guys have a child. It's a boy. I'm incredibly involved. I give him the other half of a walkie-talkie just in case he ever has a question in the middle of the night. [imitates static] "Yes, I'm here."

Schmidt: He hides his broccoli in a planter during dinner. I wink. I look the other way.
Nick: You mean e-broccoli.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: 'Cause it's the future.
Schmidt: How far in the future are you planning on having a child?
Nick: Well, if we're talking about me meeting a woman, falling in love and having a kid? A very, very, very, very long time.
Schmidt: So many "verys."
Nick: And let's face the facts. My love life is a disaster. Schmidt, this might be my only chance of having a kid.
Schmidt: Don't say that.
Nick: I'm saying it. And if I can't have a kid with a woman, then maybe I'll have one with my cousin.
Schmidt: Horrifying wording for what actually is, well, a beautiful sentiment.

Nick: Hey, why the... why the long faces? Shouldn't we be celebrating here, guys?
Bob: Listen, we, uh, we talked to the doctor and, uh, turns out we can't afford the procedure.
Nick: Are you kidding me? So I just masturbated for nothing?