Schmidt: [bad Boston accent] Welcome to Los Angeles. Maybe we take a... a-a-a, you know, a "cah" down to the "hahbah" and check out The "Mahtian" on the big... on the big screen with Matt Damon in "Mahs." Whose "cah" we taking?
Nick: [whispers] Stop, Schmidt.

Cece: Look, I-I know that you have a "no return" policy, but you have to take this dress back, okay? I look like a rich person in The Hunger Games.

Cynthia: I was gonna stop you from buying it, but I didn't, so we're done here.
Winston: Wrong. See, you may be done with her, but you're not done with the law. Winston Bishop, LAPD.
Cynthia: You're a cop? The guy who was spinning around singing Patti LaBelle songs yesterday?
[flashback:]
Winston: [high-pitched singing] I tidied up my point of view I got a new attitude.
[present:]
Winston: And you must be the one who was serving champagne without a liquor license.
Cynthia: We don't charge for it. It's legal.
Winston: Uh, not if it's being served to a-a minor.
Cece: Oh.
Winston: Yeah. Oh, that's right. I'm 17 years old. I'm a kid.
Cynthia: You're a 17-year-old police officer?
Winston: I'm a cop prodigy. You see, my school is the streets. But my other school is school. 'Cause-'cause I go to school. Like a school-school, for learning.
Cynthia: You are so stupid.
Winston: No return policy is more important than the love that brings us here today, so... This means a lot to her, so please help her out.

Schmidt: Why are you putting spoons in the laundry hamper?
Nick: I'm hiding our nice stuff. See, my cousin Bobby and Carol are coming in town, and they're gonna ask me for money, so I'm... I'm trying my hardest to look poor.
Winston: You are poor.
Nick: Technically, yes, but I'm also the richest Miller in the history of our family. I mean, I own part of a bar, I have a savings account. I don't fully understand how to use it, but I do have it.
Schmidt: Nick, you're doing great; you really been stepping it up lately. Calm down.
Nick: Thanks. The other day... The other day, I was at a restaurant, and they asked if I wanted avocado, and... and I said, "Yeah." And they said, "It's extra," and I go, "Shh. I know it's extra, but... but I want it."

Cece: Uh, Winston, you ready to go?
Winston: Born ready! You know, believe it or not, you guys, I have never been wedding dress shopping before,
so I didn't really know what to pack.
Cece: Are those whistles?
Winston: Yeah. These are whistles. Oh, I even got a pocket fan so I can blow wind in your face, and your hair could be all like this.
Cece: Pocket fan.

Winston: Look, relax. All right? Nick is the best man, Jess is the maid of honor, and myself personally, this is where I cut loose. This is where you unleash the beast, all right? Speaking of which, uh, Cece, did you bring your strapless bra, or should I get the booby tape? Booby tape.
Cece: Uh, no, Winston, this is just a ride. It is just a ride, okay?

Nick: Schmidt, this is great. They just want my sperm.
Schmidt: What about setting boundaries? They're not just reaching into your wallet this time, Nick. They're reaching into your skin wallet. That's your scrotum.
Nick: I got it.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to veto this.
Nick: Yeah, well, you have no standing to veto. It's my sperm.
Schmidt: You're my best friend in the whole entire world. We've been through a lot together, so I just do feel like... your sperm are partly my sperm. Mi leche es su leche.

Cece: Oh, no! Oh, no. What did we do? What is this?
Winston: Oh, my God! How drunk were we?
Cece: No.
Winston: No. Okay. You know what, no, no, no, no. This is, you know what, this is, this is good. Everything's all right. I mean, look, you got mirrors. You know, no one's ever done that before. I like it, you know. I like the... Again, I can't talk enough about the mirrors.
Cece: Why is there a spot for batteries?
Winston: So the glass can light up. We were really excited about that feature. Yeah. You look like a prostitute for wizards.
Cece: I look like a bullfighter in space. I cannot get married in this dress.

Carol: Can we do something about this smell?
Nick: Oh, yeah. [sniffs] It is a little rank, yeah.
Bob: There is an odor.
Nick: Yeah. Well, I lost a glass of milk.
Schmidt: You lost a glass of milk? Was it full?
Nick: Yeah, it was to the top. I could barely carry it.
Schmidt: Oh, that's outrageous!

Schmidt: Oh, look at that. There's the glass of milk. Really is filled to the brim. It's like an infinity pool. Wow, how the hell did he carry that thing?