Nick: Okay, sure, look, did Caroline physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me for years? Yes! But she changed. It's about timing. And the first time around, we weren't ready to work at it, and now we are. And besides, Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head, who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I'm a failure and that I look bad in hats. I don't want to spend my whole life with him. You know what I mean?

Paul: Jess.
Jess: Hmm?
Paul: I can't feel my arm. [sighs] Oh. Whoa. I really can't feel it at all. Wake up, fella. You're gonna be late for school.
Jess: [sighs] Genzlinger.

Winston: You know, traditionally, the male of the species is more glamorous.
Schmidt: When's it coming out, by the way?
Winston: The earring?
Schmidt: No, no, the smooth jazz album you're dropping.

Jess: Hey, guys. You remember, um, Paul.
Schmidt: Mercedes-Genz!
Winston: Genzel Washington.
Schmidt: It's the Genz of the world as we know it.
Winston: All right, everybody, put down your Genz and your Genzils.
Paul: Hey, Schmidt. What's up, Washington?

Jess: Look, I think this could be good. Paul and I had really bad timing before, and maybe I should just give it another shot.
Schmidt: Such an ugly crier.
Jess: He is the all-time worst crier.
[montage of Paul crying]
Jess: It's like he's a slow-motion sneeze.

Jess: Winston, what is in your ear?
Winston: It's hot and I love it.
Jess: Does that feed information back to Shelby to keep track of your migration patterns?
Winston: Drop it.
Schmidt: Please, Jess. He just got back from Carnival.

Caroline: Whoa, look at this fireplace. It's huge.
Nick: Caroline, that is not a fireplace, that is, like, a room you could safely set on fire.

Paul: Oh, no, that's really bad.
Jess: Why would you do that?!
Paul: Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like.
Jess: Now I know how Monica Lewinsky feels!
Paul: I'm sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky.
Jess: Stop crying! You are literally the ugliest crier I have ever seen! You cry smile.

Jenn: Hey, babe, I'm here for lunch.
Paul: Oh!
Jenn: Oh. Oh, no, are you crying? Is everything okay?
Paul: There's-there's...
Jess: I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but that is the way the electoral college works, man.
Paul: It-it seems so unfair. So votes don't mean as much.
Jess: It upsets me, too.

Jess: I don't know her name, Schmidt. But I do know that if I were her, I would want to know what kind of person I was dating. And that's why I have to tell her.
Schmidt: What? Please don't do that.
Winston: No, don't do that. Sometimes, when you make a mistake, all you can do is own up to it, all right? Because it's something you can't fix. Knowledge.
Jess: Take it easy, black George Michael.