Cece: Can I get you anything, Dadi?
Nana: A hot-blooded man and a hotel room would be nice. Oh, just get me a puzzle.
[As Cece walks off, Nana signals for Schmidt to come closer]
Schmidt: Yeah?
Nana: I raised that girl. She is my life. And she's not as tough as she looks. If you hurt her, I will let myself die and then I will haunt you.

Nick: [on TV] You magnificent dumb-ass. If you're watching this, it's because you decided to get back with Caroline.
Nick: Yes, Nick. I did.
Nick: [on TV] Well, congratulations, you idiot. She destroyed you.
Nick: You don't know me, you jerk!
Nick: [on TV] These, my dumb friend, are your tears. And you saved them all.
Schmidt: [restraining Nick] I got him, I got him.
Nick: [on TV] Think back, Nick. Or whatever they call you in your time. Who dumped you three times? Once before you had to speak at your brother's wedding.
Nick: Well, he's divorced now, so I'll get another shot.
Nick: [on TV] This is a poem you wrote about Caroline...
Nick: I don't want the poem. I don't want the poem.
Schmidt: You're getting the poem.
Nick: [on TV] ...But you're too emotional to read it right now. You're going to give it to Schmidt for safekeeping.
Schmidt: [on TV] This is your doing, Caroline.
Schmidt: You were right to have trusted me. Two years I held this thing. Read it.
Nick: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch." [Nick whimpers on TV] Really, Nick? That's how you want to talk about Caroline?

Nick: [on TV] Look at how far you've come, Nick. Want to be a bartender forever, pal?
Nick: I'm still a bartender.
Nick: [on TV] You want to be a grown man who dresses like an unsponsored professional skateboarder? You don't want to live like this. You're moving on. I'm here to tell you you're doing the right thing, so just keep going.
Nick: Can I talk to you Nick-to-Nick for a second? I respect you, man. You're rocking the hell out of that beard, and the long hair looks good, despite what other people are gonna say. Look, the Caroline that broke your heart, I get why you don't like her. But it's a different Caroline that's picking me up in five minutes, Nick. Do you want me to live alone in this loft for the rest of my life?
Nick: [on TV] Hey, what's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?
Nick: Well, thanks, guys. You helped me figure something out.
Nick: [on TV] All right, well, look, I think this was a really nice talk, Future Nick. I hope you got something from it, 'cause I know that I did. [crying] I'm gonna call her. I have to call..
Schmidt: [on TV] No! Damn it, give me the phone.

Paul: Jess and I slept together.
Jess: Oh, God.
Jenn: What?
Paul: I want to be completely honest with you. It happened two days ago, and we did lots of stuff. There was talking, and there were hands, and I think we ruined a throw pillow.

Winston: Hey, Jess.
Jess: Hi.
Winston: What's this song called?
Jess: "The River."
Winston: Hmm.
Jess: Do you like it?
Winston: Yeah, yeah, I liked the way you played it for the first time at 10:00 last night. I liked it a little bit less at 2:00 a.m. And now I'm kind of hoping that the sun comes up, thaws that river and that woman drowns.
Jess: Get out!

Jess: Russell was perfect. What's wrong with me? Am I self-sabotaging? Am I secretly a Cylon?
Cece: You just didn't love him.
Jess: But what if it's me? What if I have some idea of love in my head and it's just totally wrong?
Cece: Do not second-guess yourself, okay? It was a tough choice, but it was the right choice.
Jess: Yeah, mm-hmm.
Cece: So what do you think about turning off that song?
Jess: I just feel like I should...
Cece: Off. Turn it off.

Winston: [o.s.] Oh, my God, she's dead!
Schmidt: [o.s.] Oh, no, no, come on! 80 more times! I get it now! It's a river!

Winston: Did I tell you guys that my boss invited me to play poker with him tonight? Crazy thing, he never invites anybody to play poker with him. I mean, come on, I'm in the prime of my life, baby.
Schmidt: Winston, shut up!
Jess: Shut up!

Winston: Think we should show him the DVD?
Jess: What DVD?
Schmidt: Nick made a DVD after the last time Caroline broke up with him. It's all the reasons why they shouldn't get back together.
Winston: We hid it somewhere in the loft.
Jess: Ooh. Intrigue. Mama like.

Schmidt: Cece's here.
Jess: Why is she dressed like a women's studies major?
Schmidt: It's precautionary. Just until my junk heals. Ow. Owie. Damn it.
Winston: You okay?
Schmidt: No, I'm not okay.