Schmidt: Wow, so you guys are like real live Yodas, huh? Can I ask you a question?
Burt: Yeah.
Nana: Shoot, cowboy.
Schmidt: How do you build a relationship?
Burt: How 'bout Viagra? I use it just to keep from falling out of bed.
Schmidt: How does a guy like me have a chance at making someone like Cece happy?
Nana: You don't. Not with all those moles on your face.
Schmidt: I should just give up, huh?
Nana: That's crazy! She needs you! You are exactly what she needs.

Winston: Yo. What's up, man?
Nick: How'd the audition go?
Winston: What?
Nick: For the Disney pirate movie?
Winston: Ha-ha.
Nick: Hey, Mr. T called. He wants to punch you because that earring looks stupid.
Winston: I mean, Lil' Wayne wears it, so...
Nick: Oh, Little Wayne Gonzales from Brazil? Who came to the United States to dance and be free!
Winston: You can't touch me, baby. I'm in the prime of my life.

Winston: We lost him.
Schmidt: We sure did, Captain Black Sparrow.

Jess: Oh, no. Wait. Wait. Jenn?
Jenn: Haven't you done enough?
Jess: Yeah, I have. I have done enough, but... I know how you feel. I've been there. I've been cheated on before, and it feels like someone dropped an anvil on your heart. Um, but... That guy wasn't right for me. You guys... You guys are perfect together. I thought you were Asian me, but now I realize I'm just Caucasian you.
Jenn: What?
Paul: What?
Jess: Paul was scared. And when you're scared, you do stupid things. He made a really terrible mistake.
Paul: Really terrible. The things that we did 48 hours ago were so dark...
Jess: I'm handling this.

Jess: Jenn... you love Paul. I know that because you're still standing here. What you guys have... it's way bigger than me. And I think... I think Paul has something to ask you.
Paul: I know this is not the right time to do this, in fact, this is a terrible time to do this, but I don't care. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Jennifer Ruth Toyogi. I know that now more than ever.
Jenn: Now that you slept with her.
Jess: Happy to help.
Paul: Uh-huh. If... if you still love me, at all...
Jenn: Of course I still do. I...
Paul: [Jess pushes Paul down onto one knee] Oh, yeah. Um... Ooh...
Jess: Will you... will you... will you, will you marry him?

Schmidt: Guys like us... Nick, too ... we're warriors. We just keep on fighting, and holding on, even when we know we're just making a big mistake.
Winston: Like Nick and Caroline.
Schmidt: And that earring.
Winston: I'm not giving this thing up.
Schmidt: You look like you were caught by a fly fisherman.
Winston: Dude, I've had it with the earring jokes.
Schmidt: You look like you should be standing in line to get into Shaquille O'Neal's birthday party.

Jess: And it made me realize something. You're wrong. All the stuff you said about Caroline, being about timing, and it just making sense? No. Because if you really love someone, it's simple.
Nick: Okay. Well, I understand what you're saying, but...
Jess: You deserve something amazing. And... you deserve love. I know you don't want to be alone, but I'm going to be there, and I'll tell that Tom Waits voice in your head to shut up. [Tom Waits voice] We don't have to settle... Nick. You're the best.
Nick: I'm moving in with Caroline. We signed a lease this morning. Thanks for saying all that stuff.

Jess: Oh, my God! He has a girlfriend! He cheated on his girlfriend with me. I'm a cheater.
Schmidt: P. Genz played you?
Jess: I saw her. She looks like an Asian me.
Schmidt: Asian Jess. Wo ... Ow.
Jess: I can't even backslide right. I've been her. I've been Asian me before.
Schmidt: Are you gonna keep calling her "Asian me," because it's becoming a problem for me.

Schmidt: I'm gonna miss you, Winston.
Winston: What do you mean?
Schmidt: I'm gonna miss you when your caravan moves on to the next village.