Nick: Okay, there are people in life who you want to be unpredictable. Your pothead neighbor, or Vice President Joe Biden. And then there are people who you don't want to be unpredictable, like your dentist, or, I don't know, your father.
Winston: Look, Nick, my dad left when I was three. Every single day, rain or shine, he just never came back. I wish he'd been a little bit more unpredictable; that's all I'm saying.

Robby: Check this out. We get seersucker suits...
Schmidt: Yeah.
Robby: And two more guys, and then we serenade her with a barbershop quartet.
Schmidt: Well, if we got ten more guys and a plan, we'd form an Ocean's Twelve. I would be Brad Pitt, you'd be the crafty Asian fellow who does the, uh, who does the flippies.
Robby: Oh, I got a great idea. We can name a star after her, all right? I know this Web site, and we could put one that's right near the Robbies one through eight.
Schmidt: You have eight stars?
Robby: There's, like, a billion stars, they're really cheap.
Schmidt: But eight of them are yours?
Robby: That's only going to go up in value.
Schmidt: It's a horrible investment. I know she's into that Gandhi crapola. We could self-immolate.
Robby: I feel like we're so close.

Schmidt & Robby: [banging on Cece's door] Cool... Guy... Power! Cool... Guy... Power! Cool Guy Power! Cool Guy Power! Cool ... hey.
Cece: Is this happening?
Schmidt: Yes.
Cece: Why are the two of you even together?
Schmidt: Are you wearing a traditional sari?
Cece: Yes.
Schmidt: I begged you to wear a sari. I had all these sari-related sexual scenarios.
Cece: Shh!
Schmidt: "Monsoon Bedding." "The Best Erotic Mari-bone Hotel."
Cece: Stop that.
Schmidt: "Slum-Doggy-Style Millionaire" But, what, you're wearing the sari for who? Let me see this guy.

Schmidt: Oh, my God. Are you... you're having an orgy here? - Mm-mm. This is a big Indian orgy?
Cece: Oh, for God sakes.
Robby: They're all wearing their clothes...
Schmidt: I'm telling you, it's an orgy.

Robby: Oh, that's Pavun. Oh, my God, look at this guy, he's gorgeous.
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Robby: I don't have a chance here. Look at his features.
Schmidt: Look at your features, man. You're just as gorgeous. I mean, kind of. You're kind, you always have gum... and you've got so much pep.
Robby: You know what, look.. You are confident, and you're punctual, and you came up with this awesome plan.
Schmidt: Yeah, we came up with this awesome plan. Together.
Robby: You know what, screw it, I don't even care anymore. White Guy Power! That's "white guy."
Schmidt: All right, man. Let's do it. All right.
Robby: White Guy Power.
Schmidt: You got to quit it with that, man. I'm telling you, it's a little racist.

Nick: No. Look, Jess... people don't change. If someone's broken, they just stay broken.
Jess: You're not broken.
Nick: I'm a little broken.
Jess: No, no, no... no.
Nick: Oh, yeah.
Jess: You should be so much worse. Seriously, you could be picking up calls on a banana. You could be, like, "Hello?" I don't know how you made it out. But... you're good.
Nick: Well, look, there's a lot I don't tell you. I haven't done laundry in five months. I'm not wearing underwear. I'm just wearing a big sock right now.
Jess: Really.
Nick: A big sock. A very big sock.
Jess: I got it.

Nick: Jess, if you're gonna mess with my sink, put some goggles on. Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes. It's a bigger target.
Jess: Walt's gone. I know how hard it was for you to talk to him, and I just... some people, I just don't under... they just ... aah! And I understand why you want to break pipes now. Let's just drink a bunch and destroy the sink.

Nick: This is a pleasant surprise. What brings you to Los Angeles, Dad? Let me just, uh, clean up a little bit.
Walt Miller: You know, I just thought I'd stop by. I'll sleep in your bed, you can go on the couch.
Nick: Sounds like us.

Walt Miller: I think it's time for another drink. What do you say, gorgeous? You want to give an old man a hand?
Jess: Sure. [Walt leaves] I don't know, Nick. A lot of charm coming from this end of the booth.
Nick: 'Cause that's what he does. He lures you in with his charm and his mustache and his perfect hair.
Jess: I feel like you need to talk to him about this.
Nick: Right, 'cause I'll just tell him how I feel, and everything will be okay 'cause that's really the way the world works.
Jess: Took the words right out of my mouth, Little penis.
Nick: It's not a thing.
Jess: I love a good nickname.
Nick: Not... not gonna stick.

Schmidt: Another Indian guy?
Cece: My mom set me up.
Schmidt: Oh, your mom. That's cool. Have fun with your, your Devs... and your... and your An-Anujs... or your Deepaks. Whatever Patel you're dating. I'm-I'm not sweating it.
Cece: His name's Pavun, Pavun Shetty.
Schmidt: What? As in, as in "Shetty Solutions"?
Cece: I think so. Why?
Schmidt: They only nailed the crowd-control logistics of Bombay's revamped open-air market.
Cece: I thought you weren't sweating it.
Schmidt: I'm not sweating it. Sweating it. [to the bartender] Killing me with that Drop, dude.