Winston: All right, Nick, we believe in you, man. Tell us, what's in the cup?
Nick: Ah, it's a hard one. It's a mini carrot. [everyone laughs] Onion and potato? [everyone laughs]
Schmidt: Dumbest boy in all the world. How are you so bad at Feely-Cup?
Winston: You are awful at this game.
Nick: Sea glass? I'm overthinking it.
Winston: If his life depended on this, he would die.
Nick: Battery.
Jess: When are batteries squishy?
Nick: I'm just kidding, I'm kidding ... I know it's not a battery. I'm kidding.
Jess: Feel, Nick.
Winston: Nick, will you be paying for bonus time?
Jess: He can't. He is all out of quarters.

Schmidt: Uh, Nick? Your dad's here.
Nick: Very funny, Schmidty, but my concentration will not be broken.
Walt Miller: Hey-ya, Nickels. Come on, kid, bring it in. Come on!
Jess: Hello, Mr. Miller. Welcome to our home.
Walt Miller: Feely-Cup?
Winston: Oh, yeah.
Walt Miller: Bring it on.
Winston: Watch this.
Walt Miller: Tampon... Wrapped in duct tape... And dipped... in baking powder.
Nick: Is that what it is? Oh, it is.
Winston: Boom! Next level Feely-Cup.
Jess: Hello, Mr. Miller.

Jess: Hey. So, what does Mr. Miller do?
Winston: Businessman.
Schmidt: He's a con man.
Jess: A what?
Schmidt: He is a con man.
Winston: He is a damn business ... What are you talking about?
Schmidt: He's a con man.
Winston: He's a businessman.
Schmidt: Winston's obsessed with Walt.
Winston: That mustache first of all ... what?! It's like the world's sexiest push broom.

Jess: A con man like, "What's the play?" The, uh, Ring-A-Doo Johnnycakes? The, uh, Hollow Leg Swap-Em-Out?
Schmidt: Yes, exactly.
Jess: Fake trombones for a fake band. Harold Hill! Music Man?

Walt Miller: And so Nickels comes into my room screaming, "Daddy, Daddy." So I go, "What's wrong?" He says, "Daddy, I have a tick at the end of my tinkle."
Nick: Oh, my God! This is not a story for everyone.
Walt Miller: And sure enough, there is a tick at the end of his little penis.
Nick: Not a story for this moment.
Walt Miller: That's how he got the nickname "Little penis."
Nick: Oh, stop calling me that.

Walt Miller: What are we gonna do with this guy?
Winston: I have no idea, Pop-Pop.
Nick: Don't call him Pop-Pop.
Winston: That's his nickname.
Nick: The nickname is longer than Walt.
Winston: But that's the nickname that I gave him.
Nick: Yeah, but it's really weird that you call my dad Pop-Pop.
Walt Miller: I like Pop-Pop.
Winston: You don't get it. You don't get it.

Schmidt: You know, when Nick is not working here, the service is abysmal. I mean, how many times did I have to repeat the words, "Lemon Drop shot"?
Cece: Yeah, I think he was making fun of you.
Schmidt: For what? Working hard and playing hard? I guess the joke is on me.

Nick: Back at the tracks with my dad.
Walt Miller: When Nick was a kid, he would come to the track with me all the time. And if I got in trouble, he would get me out of it by doing the Sugar Ray.
Nick: Oh, the Sugar Ray.
Jess: What's a Sugar Ray?
Nick: It's when I pretend to be a diabetic kid so the man who is threatening to beat up my father would run off scared.
Walt Miller: You see, we did have some good times, didn't we?

Robby: Schmidt.
Schmidt: Robby? Robby, what are, what are you doing here, man?
Robby: I'm spying on Cece.
Schmidt: Cece.
Robby: You know, I'm still in love with her, so... this is pretty much your basic broken-hearted spying thing. It's why I got this hat.
Schmidt: Aw, come on, Robby, you got to get over that.
Robby: Wait a second, are you spying on Cece, too?
Schmidt: [scoffs] No. What?
Robby: Are you still in love with Cece?
Schmidt: No, that's still... Yes, I am. It's killing me.
Robby: Me, too! Bring it in, man.

Jess: This is a very sad case. I mean...
Walt Miller: My niece, she goes to veterinary school. We're all very proud of her.
Jess: Top of my class.
Walt Miller: So, what do you, uh, what do you think?
Jess: Terrible horse. She's very sickly.
Walt Miller: He. He... He.
Jess: He... He. Oh! I wish I had brought my stethoscope. I'm seeing a lot of split ends. The mane is totally the wrong cut for the shape of his face.
Walt Miller: So you're saying that this horse, right now, the way it is, will never race again?
Jess: Damn it, Uncle Buck! This horse will never race again! Why did you fly me all the way out from Grenada if you weren't gonna listen to me? [quietly] Yes, con!
Walt Miller: Shh, shh, shh!