Robby: Do you think Cece and Pavun will make it?
Schmidt: I don't know. Really can't say. What I can say is that one arranged marriage did take place today. The marriage of Schmidt and Robby.
Robby: [laughs] Hell, yeah.
Schmidt: I only dread the day that we defeat all the Indians, and must face each other in a duel to the death.
Robby: Yeah. Buzz kill.
Schmidt: We're like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Except only one of us dies at the end of the movie. It's gonna be you. You're the one that's gonna die.
Robby: You want another beer?
Schmidt: Sure do, compadre.

Schmidt: This is what I'm thinking. I use my superior powers of manipulation and persuasion to get Cece to take you back. Once we've neutralized the sub-continental threat, I smite you.
Robby: What?
Schmidt: What?
Robby: You said you're gonna smite me?
Schmidt: Smite ... defeat gloriously for Cece's hand.
Robby: No, I know what it means.
Schmidt: But that's someday. For now, let's scheme, my "broheem."
Robby: Okay... I just want to reiterate that I'm not on board with the smiting.
Schmidt: Whatever.
Robby: But I like the "broheem" thing a lot.
Schmidt: Let's concentrate on the broheem part. And smite later. Yeah, okay, yeah.
Robby: Cheers, broheem.

Schmidt: What do you think about this? We get a three-person canoe, okay? Then we got to her house and we rap on the door. She answers the door, she sees the three-person canoe. She realizes there's only two of us, and we say, "Ah, what a conundrum. Please join us."
Robby: How about this one? We get some night-vision goggles. All right, that's all I got. I don't... I don't know what else.
Schmidt: I mean, I would say Trojan horse, but...
Robby: In this economy?
Schmidt: I mean, we could always go on a hunger strike.
Robby: We enlist in the Navy, we quickly rise through the ranks, and then we can take her to the Naval Officer's Ball.
Schmidt: Feel like we're right there!

Cece: What are you two doing here?
Schmidt: Whoa, hey.
Robby: Cece?
Schmidt: Just nothing, we're just...
Robby: Yeah, you know. [to Schmidt] Do you think that she saw me?
Schmidt: What? Of course she saw you. Do you think she saw me?
Robby: Well, yeah, you don't have a hat on.

Schmidt: I feel like Cece's making a big mistake with this Indian guy. She should be with somebody like us.
Robby: Totally. White Guy Power. [off Schmidt's look] Okay, um... Cool Guy Power.
Schmidt: Now you're talking, Robby.

Robby: What are we gonna do?
Schmidt: I don't know. I mean, one billion Indian men is a daunting foe. Suddenly I feel sympathy for Pakistan. But it's like they say, "How do you eat an elephant, Robby?"
Robby: With chopsticks.
Schmidt: What?
Robby: Slowly, with chopsticks.
Schmidt: That's ... no ... with chopsticks?!
Robby: In a taco.
Schmidt: What?
Robby: Elephant tacos.
Schmidt: Elephant tacos? Who eats elephant tacos? That's not even a saying.
Robby: Oh.
Schmidt: One bite at a time, Robby.
Robby: One bite at a time.
Schmidt: Yes. One bite at a time.

Schmidt: Oh, my... Nick, please do not angry-fix the sink.
Nick: I'm not angry-fixing. I'm fixing! You want to know why I'm messed up? Why I don't trust people? Why I have anger issues?
Jess: Oh, yes, I do want to know.
Nick: Why I have the blood pressure of a hummingbird? [rapid banging]
Jess: Do you think this is maybe about your dad?

Walt Miller: You really seem to care about Little Nicky.
Jess: I mean, look at him. He looks like Hilary Swank mixed with a sad, wet dog.

Walt Miller: Now, listen, I already got people standing by to take the horse off our hands. Horse semen in Dubai is gold.
Jess: No, you can't sell "A Father's Love." There's more to "A Father's Love" than just semen. Ew, poetic, but ew.

Winston: No, he is not a con man, okay? You know, he sometimes used to sell hats.
[flashback:]
Walt Miller: There you go, boys ... enjoy.
Young Nick: Thanks, Dad.
Young Winston: So many hats.
[present:]
Winston: Okay, technically, they were misprints.
[flashback:]
Boy: This says: "Chica Go Bills." Let's go, guys ... these hats suck.
[present:]
Jess: "Chica Go Bills" is, uh, actually Spanish for "Young girl, go Bills."
Winston: Who's gonna mess with a guy who's wearing a hat that says, "Young girl, go Bills?" I mean, the answer is everybody. They will, they mess with you.