Jess: [on the phone] Winston, sorry. Sorry, I hit some potholes, and then we got on the freeway, and then some schoolkids started throwing pencils at me, [bell rings] then we passed a cop, and I had to pretend to be a mannequin.

Jess: I need all units! Send all units!

Nick: That was great. Just like I envisioned it. Connie cut our soda line. So we take a fish, and we put it in the vents of her restaurant bar. The whole place is gonna smell like a whale's ass.
Schmidt: Not just any fish either. A branzino. You know...
Nick: Freaking branzino.
Schmidt: She thinks she's hip and classy. Wait till she tangles with the most highly regarded table fish in all the world.
Cece: I was trying to cut a runaway olive, and I cut the soda line.
Nick: [scoffs] Why? Why'd you...?
Cece: I-I didn't think you'd actually notice, to be honest with you.

Schmidt: What are we going to do now?
Nick: Deny, deny, deny. There's no way she'll know it's us.
Connie: Oh, hey, guys. I just came by to return your fish.
Nick: I've never seen that fish before in my life.
Schmidt: Ooh, is that a branzino? Whoever bought that fish has impeccable taste.
[Connie shows Nick and Schmidt a security-camera recording of them placing the fish]
Nick: I mean, I guess they kind of look like... Nah, that doesn't even... No, that's...
Connie: Really?
Nick: Yeah, good luck finding those guys.
Schmidt: Of course it's us.
Nick: Why'd you admit it?!
Schmidt: We're right there! We might as well be wearing name tags!

Connie: A word of advice: do not mess with me. This past year has been the worst year of my life. First, my cat died. Then my husband left me for our neighbor, and so I had to listen to them having sex through our bedroom wall every single night. And then he left my neighbor for my mother, which is, like, a very long story that I don't really want to get into. Then my other cat died. Then I ran over a dog while I was driving to the vet with our dead cat on my lap. You guys messed with my business... now I'm gonna have to destroy you.
Schmidt: If I may... ask... how and when you're planning on destroying us. Any information would be... would be greatly appreciated.
Nick: Yeah, 'cause then we could prepare for it a little bit.
Connie: It's gonna be soon. And when you least expect it.
Nick: That's something. Thank...

Jess: Okay, [sighs] well, I guess, um... nice seeing you. I'm gonna get to my next engagement. Where are we, by the way? I'll just check my little... my little thing. It's actually not functioning. [groaning] Old gal got a little bit wet. Eh, feed it to the birds. [laughs] [Jess walks into a metal pole] Oh! Oh... That got me. Yeah, that got me. [breathing deeply] Oh, I'm just gonna rest for a second.
Sam: Get in the car. Damn it.
Jess: Yeah, I get it. It's too sad to watch.

Schmidt: Clear. Clear.
Cece: There are no signs of foul play back here. Also, I feel fantastic.
Schmidt: That's because you're very drunk, Cece. You're supposed to be spitting them out.
Cece: How would she poison our booze anyway? We've been here the entire time.
Schmidt: Who knows? You saw how intense she was.

Nick: We're at a state of high alert. And, frankly, I don't trust your coat. It's too warm to wear a coat like that. Unless you're hiding a fish. You hiding a fish?
Decrepit Patron: All I got's a chicken.
Nick: Okay, don't trust you. Out you go. Thanks for coming in again, Eric.

Schmidt: [mimicking] "I love Presh. Presh has napkins and... walnuts."
Schmidt: Is that meant to be me?
Nick: No, I'm doing a spot-on Winston.
Schmidt: Because I do not talk like that.
Nick: Do you even like the Griffin?
Schmidt: What is the Gri...?
Nick: Are you kidding me?
Schmidt: It's... uh, the Griffin's our bar. I knew that.
Cece: He loves it!
Nick: What the hell are you talking about, you booze hound?
Schmidt: We lost her a long time ago. Cece, honey, drink some water, okay?
Cece: Nope.

Nick: Hey, man, do you know how hard I have worked at this bar in the past year? I've killed myself for this place. A year ago, we were in a sinkhole. We were in the red. But now, because of me, because of my work, we're in the white.
Schmidt: What's "the white"?
Nick: The white. Breaking even.
Schmidt: Oh, we're breaking even?
Nick: Yes, that's what I'm saying.
Schmidt: How wonderful. And let's just stop there. Where will we invest our extra zero percent? I know, how about in the toilet? The same toilet that flushes upwards.