Schmidt: [scoffs] This bar is outrageous.
Nick: I'm so sorry it's not like your favorite bar, Presh.
Schmidt: You know my favorite bar is Heshe's Tango in Phuket. Their coconut mojitos literally gave me an orgasm. I had to buy new pants.

Winston: 298, 299... Watch out for the lamp. And that's 300, right there. Wait here.
Sam: I'm dropping the restraining order. This isn't necessary.
Winston: I'll determine what's necessary; I'm a cop.
Jess: Stop! There's no more restraining order. And no more cop face.
Winston: Girl, this is my friend face.
Jess: Honestly, I can't tell the difference.
Winston: Well, there is no difference. That's why I have to announce it. And as your friend, Winston, I just want to make sure that you two have thought things through. That you're not rushing into things, you know? You don't hurt each other again. I'm thinking, maybe, as your friend, maybe... you should be restraining yourselves. Because of the restraining order?

Jess: When I find Sam... [laughs] I'm gonna kill him.
Nick: You can't find Sam. 'Cause you have a restraining order.
Jess: Winston. You have to help me with this.
Winston: Sam is the only one who can drop this charge. But the magic of a restraining order is that you can't talk to him. And that... that is human drama.

Schmidt: This is a very professional establishment. Let me do the talking.
Nick: You don't think I talk professional good? You don't think I professional talk good? What am I saying weird there?
Schmidt: You speak poorly, professionally.

Connie: How can I help you?
Schmidt: Connie, hello. Very nice to meet you. We are both local entrepreneurs, as you are. Uh, we co-own the bar up the street, and there is a business situation that we would like to bring to your attention...
Nick: Yeah, your stupid valet is taking all the spots in front of our bar, and it's time for it to come to an end. It's not sittin' well with us folks over at the Griffin.
Connie: What's a griffin?
Schmidt: What is... wait, what is the Griffin?
Nick: The Griffin is the name of the bar that we own together, you buffoon. You don't know the name of our bar?
Schmidt: Why don't we... We don't have a sign. We should have a sign.
Nick: Is this the time for this?
Connie: I feel like this is a conversation I don't need to be a part of. My valet is totally legal. But thanks for stopping by. Maybe, you know, maybe I'll stop by your bar. I'll just, like, knock on doors until... until I find you.

Jess: I'm here to overturn a restraining order. I brought lots of excellent character references. In the words of Ms. Cheryl Riggins of Portland, Oregon: "When the school sewage line broke, Jessica was the only student who rolled up her sleeves, grabbed a pail and went to work. She should be tested for hepatitis immediately. Immediately." That's not the one...

Winston: [answers phone] Hey, Jess, I'm at work. Is this a cop situation or a friend situation?
Jess: Both. What would you say if I told you I was in the bed of Sam's pickup? Allegedly. I said "allegedly."
Winston: Okay, good. So you're not in the back of a truck.
Jess: No, I am. I'm-I'm, I am "allegedly" in-in Sam's truck.
Winston: Jess, you seem to be confused. Here's how it works. Um, allegedly, Ferguson and I are eating pasta in a hot air balloon. Realistically...
Jess: Winston, I'm in the back of Sam's truck right now. I wanted Sam to know that I'm not crazy. Wait, shh, he's changing his music. Selena Gomez, interesting.

Cece: Connie, with her fancy cocktails. I can make a fancy cocktail.
Schmidt: Sure you can.
Nick: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here? What the hell is all this stuff?
Schmidt: We need to make some... some real improvements around here, if we're gonna compete with Presh.
Nick: Improvements?!
Schmidt: Just minor tweaks, okay? Like a jukebox that doesn't catch fire sometimes. Separate olive and cherry trays. A toilet that flushes down and not up.
Nick: Okay, that's an attraction and a lot of our customers actually like that. Why are you so eager to change our bar? We should be ruining their bar. We should cut their power. We should paint a door where there isn't a door.
Schmidt: We're not talented enough to paint a realistic door, Nick.

Cece: All right, okay. Try this. I call it "Whiskey Business," but surprise! There's vodka in that. Boom.
Schmidt: Thank you, honey. [gagging, spits out]
Cece: Come on.
Schmidt: [clears throat] It's a little chunky. [clears throat] Tastes like loose chili, a little bit.
Cece: Yeah, I'm gonna go get some fresher ingredients.

Nick: Either you care enough about this bar to fight for it, or you don't. Because I care enough. I'll fight.
Schmidt: Let's do this. What are we gonna do?
Nick: We're gonna hit her where it hurts.
Schmidt: I'm in.
Nick: Not the vagina. We're gonna go after the bar.
Schmidt: Uh, yes, that's ri... N... There was not even a single part of me that thought you were talking about the vagina.
Nick: The bar. The b...
Schmidt: Yes, the... All right, I'm gonna take over the plan.
Nick: Good. Yeah, good. It was getting on top of me.